AmberBrainWaves

Reviews from the Instant Queue

2012-01-09T12:39:00.000-07:00

The In Crowd

This movie was released in 1988. The biggest name in this movie is Joe Pantoliano. And the girl from the beginning of Ghostbusters who isn't psychic (Jennifer Runyon).
To Sum Up: This movie is about Del, a bookish type who is a closet fan of the biggest dance show in town, the Perry Parker show. And if you've ever seen a movie about a dance show then you know that the person who we are shown watching the dance show will eventually end up on the show. And true to form, this movie does not disappoint. Del makes a bet with his other bookish friends that he will be on the show that Friday, and his next door neighbor says she will clean his room...naked...if he does. This would really work out well for her since it is beyond obvious that she loves Del and would eat his laundry if he asked. So of course Del goes to the show and through hi-jinx and what not is able to make it backstage. Coincidentally, Perry Parker just got word that his shows ratings are dropping and he needs to make a change, and also that Dugan (one half of the spotlight couple Vicky and Dugan) has been arrested and is banned from being on the show. So naturally, Del gets to be Vicky's new man (which works out great for him since he loves Vicky and would eat her laundry if she asked) and the show begins. Dancing in a line to 60s music happens, and the other men-folk on the show resent how much screen time Del is getting so the conspire to rough him up (or something) and Del some how does like a sort of split/spin/slide move to counter their attack which is somehow effective and also, I guess, cool enough that they just leave him alone. I don't know if I really buy it, but who am I to say. I don't know the rules of dance shows. Needless to say Del is just the star Perry needs. Therefore, Perry demands (mob boss style) that Vicky and the rest of the dancing gang include Del in all their fun and that Vicky and Del date. It's weird. And Vicky and gang agree. So Del takes Vicky on a date (blowing of his neighbor Gail and their study club) and they hang out at a train station (why?) with the rest of the kids from the show. We find out that Vicky wants to be Natalie Wood, which is cool. And while Del is being beer showered by the boys, Vicky sneaks off with Dugan. And then stuff like this happens for about 20 more minutes. Del picking Vicky up for a date (blowing off his friends and especially Gail) and hanging out at the train station while she really goes on a date with Dugan. I don't know. It's weird. There are also some random bonding moments with the most annoying person in the world who calls himself "Pop-eye" and who, you guessed it, does Pop-eye things. Think Uncle Joey from Full House minus any of the good Uncle Joey stuff. Any who, at an appearance Del dances with a girl in a leg brace and Vicky basically falls in love with him, so they then start dating in earnest and he tries to teach Vicky school stuff. The show really started to lose me here. And then Dugan breaks into Del's house and they have a dance fight. It was literally AWESOME. Literally. I guess the dance ends in either a draw or Del wins (which I disagree with because it looked to me like Dugan was the better dancer) because Dugan leaves. As he's leaving, Gail walks in to give Del something and Dugan kisses her and she kind of like freaks out. But they cut away really fast so it's sort of pointless. Vicky and Del go on a date to see Gail in a play and it's fine until the dinner after. At dinner, everyone is picking on Del for being flaky. And Gail and her gal pal are a teensy catty to Vicky...which is understandable since Gail loves Del, but it's a very poor strategy. Since it alienates Vicky enough that she leaves, pisses off Del, and has him run after her. Then some more stuff happens and the show gets cancelled and Del helps Vicky run off to California with Dugan. And then the movie ends with Gail going over to Del's house to show him her new Bob Dylan album and he's a little like, who is this newly hippie Gail person? And they just listen to the record and it ends.
All in all, I'd say this movie had such a good chance of being awesome to me. It was campy and dancey and had fun music from the 60s, and the acting was just bad enough that it was almost good.
But it really just didn't end with Del realizing that he loved Gail all along, and that really ruined the whole thing for me. And there were way too many close up shots of Vicky that were blurred. It was really irritating.

All in all, I would have to say that I give this movie 4 out of 10 Jelly Beans. For the fun songs, and okay dancing. And a solid base for a movie I would love. It just fell short.
Also, Del was too goofy looking...I could just not get over it.

An Update In Romance

2011-12-05T10:59:00.014-07:00

I'm in love with Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. Because he is exactly my type. And realizing this has been helpful. Because I found out exactly what I go for in a guy.

Seven Qualities Found in Sheldon Cooper

(which coincidentally can be found in 95% of all the men I have ever liked.)

1. Tall.
2. Dark hair.
3. Nerdy.
4. Awkward.
5. Uninterested in the love thing.
6. Doesn't really know I exist.
7. Likes geek sci-fi things like Doctor Who.

The reasons this is a problem for me (aside from the fact that he is a fictional character, therefore I can't marry him) are numbers 5 and 6 on the list. I suppose number 4 could also be a problem but we'll just skip that for now.

You see, I realized that in liking men who don't want to be in relationships because they are too busy living lives and who especially don't want to be in a relationship with me because I'm barely a blip (if even that on their radar), I am not exactly setting myself up for much of a chance at snagging a man as it were. What I'm really doing is setting myself up for a future of cats dressed up in Doctor Who costumes and yearly trips to Comic Con to try to find a bigger nerd than me.

Just a small taste of what you would expect to be on my blog in the future.

I need an intervention. Save me from my Cat Comic Con life.

A Hanukkah Miracle

2011-11-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

On Monday I was driving to work (late) when I realized that I have been driving on empty for about a week. I had intended to go gas up before work, but forgot and woke up late and that put the whole plan out of whack. I was certain that my 12 gallon tank was empty and wouldn't make it to work.

So I said a little prayer asking that the fumes or spirit or whatever it be get me to work so I can be on time. And somehow, I got to work on time. And just like it had for the Maccabees, the oil lasted for 8 days. Or well 8 days of driving on empty total. When I filled up my tank that night after work, I put in 12.03 gallons.

My new goal is to fill up more regularly and not be in the position where I need a miracle.

"And That's the First Kind Word I've Had from Anyone Since Lydia Went Away..."

2011-11-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

I like this guy. He is a really great guy. He is my friend and he's funny and cute and nice and smart and everything he ought to be. And the more I hangout with him the more I like him. But there is trouble a brewing...and it's two-fold. I don't think he likes me. And the other fold, I'm starting to not even think it's worth hoping for or pursuing. Because despite his being, ya know, flat-out great, I sort of feel we are just not from the same world.

Ya know those movies from the 80s...where they talked about people being from the wrong side of the tracks? Like in Some Kind of Wonderful or Pretty in Pink? Well, that's me. I sort of feel like I'm coming from the wrong side of the tracks. Which is absurd because I do not. Me and mine do just fine, thank you very much.

Now we all know that I prefer Duckie, but for the sake of this narrative let's just say I'm liking the Blaine guy. Which is, when you think about it, basically my whole problem. I should be grateful Blaine doesn't want me...because that leaves room for Duckie, right? Right?

But I can't help feeling that way because it feels like he's just more world worn or something. Sophisticated? That's not quite the adjective I'm looking for, but it's the same kind of feel. It's sort of like he's Mr. Darcy and I'm like Kitty Bennett. In fact, that's exactly what it's like. It's that he's too good for me, but not in a low self-esteem nonsense sort of way. I'm perfectly happy with who I am and the life I've lived. But my life doesn't seem made to fit with his life. Which is alright. It just has me feeling kind of down. I really like this guy. He has done all these amazing things and been all these amazing places and has this amazing brain. And I'm not even sure what about me is amazing yet. But trust me, I know I am amazing. I am just not sure what is my amazing specialty. What (aside from my terrific blogness) makes me amazing?

Jane, Mary, Kitty and Lydia (from Lost In Austen)
Kitty Bennet being the cute-ish but not bewitching, fun but not ridiculous, and not stuffy bookish one. You know...the normal, average one that nobody talks about. I mean heck, they sometimes cut her out of the adaptations. She doesn't even get to go to Brighton!

And no, I'm not fishing for compliments or feeling sorry for myself...because I think I'm pretty much overall good to great. I just haven't found my amazing.

And maybe that is my problem. Maybe that is why I keep falling for all these Pemberley types and I don't seem to bewitch them body and soul. Because right now, I'm only good to great. Which makes me the sort of girl who ends up living with my parents and weirdo sister at the end of the book...I don't even wind up with Mr. Collins. But I can't decide if that's a good or a bad thing.

PS While looking for that picture of the P&P girls I found this humorous LOST (crazy ABC TV show) in Austen thing. I found it to be mildly amusing, so I thought I'd share.

Hypothermia

2011-10-10T13:27:00.000-06:00

I came to see the snow. I didn't know it would be this cold. I wanted to bask in it, wrap myself up in its arms til the cold stopped being cold and burned. It hurts so good. But I'd rather it just didn't hurt at all. I wish I could light the fire in front of me instead of soaking the wood in icy chill. I wish there was that spark. But there isn't. And I'm here in the middle of the white-out. Frost bitten.

Small Victories

2011-10-06T10:25:00.000-06:00

Disclaimer: This could be TMI.

I have been really struggling with something for the past couple of weeks. I have just not been able to escape it no matter what I do. And it's really painful. It is a Satan Zit. Right on the tippy-tip of my nose I have had the most painful blemish of my life. The blemish is one of those lurks under the skin, never comes to the surface, feels like you're being stabbed with a knife zits.

Actual Photo

So I've been walking around looking like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or a stereotypical clown. And I've been doing everything I can to get rid of this monstrosity. Using every product in my house. Exfoliating my skin down to the layer just above the dermis. I've been walking around my house with product and bandaids on my nose which has made me look like I have had a nose job. Long story short (too late), I've done everything in my power to no avail. The thing would not die.

Then today, miracle of miracles, the demon spirit was exorcised. It's gone. I can touch my nose without feeling the impulse to weep. It's the greatest thing that has happened to my nose in a long time. And I'm so grateful.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to regrow the skin on my nose, and life will be perfect.

Somedays...

2011-09-30T17:30:00.000-06:00

Somedays you're an adult. Somedays you're a kid again. Then on very rare occasions, you're the sucker who picks up their banana and sloughs off the white sticker residue to discover that it's a spider baby factory. Surpise! And "hello mother" cry the million baby spiders in unison as they scatter with alarming speed.

I dare you to eat banana now. I double-dog dare you.

Today I Am an Adult

2011-09-27T14:27:00.001-06:00

As a child I loved "The Box." For those of you who missed "The Box," it was a TV channel that played music videos (and only music videos) all day, it also allowed you to request songs and it would charge you like a dollar to get your song played. It was my favorite. I remember quite vividly watching things like Aqua's Barbie Girl or Britney Spears' Baby One More Time and Oops I Did It Again. During the Christmas season *N'Sync's Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays would cycle on and I would stop whatever I was doing and plant myself in front of the TV for the duration. It was my golden calf, pretty much. And now whenever I hear a song that was played frequently on "The Box" I see the accompanying music video and think "This is a Box song. Sigh."

However, there were certain songs that would come on and my mom would be very disapproving. Mainly these songs were Eminem songs. I can't remember if Eminem was explicitly banned from our house or if it was simply an unspoken outlawing of his music. Either way, just like MTV, he was not allowed. And just like MTV, he occasionally crept in with the volume turned down very low. I distinctly remember the My Name Is music video because it was such a big deal to watch it. So I have always had a secret Romeo-and-Juliet thing for Eminem music.

Well today I'm "Cleaning Out My Closet" as it were. I now own all of the Eminem music and I am officially declaring to my mother that I listen to Eminem, because I am an adult.

PS Don't be disappointed in me, Mom. Also, I will only listen to it with headphones on so it doesn't bother anyone else.

Things I Learned From Movies

2011-09-15T13:05:00.000-06:00

LESSON FIVE:

"Nothing's more irresistible to a man than a woman who's in love with him."

This line comes from the classic film, The Sound of Music. The Baroness tells this to Maria during the party after Maria and Captain Von Trapp dance. Now we all know that the Baroness and the Nazis are the antagonists of this film so we can't just straight up believe her...but I've always though this was true. I mean after all, Maria is in love with the Captain and she gets him, while the Baroness is fond of the Captain and she gets the boot.

So the real question is, can this advice be trusted? Well who cares. I have always believed it's true, so it must be true. But I'm starting to question the validity of this. After all, I have spent my life openly flaunting my affection for boys without a single one of them finding me irresistible. Maybe I don't really love them so it doesn't work. Maybe I'm just not Julie Andrews. Either way...I'm starting to think Baroness Schraeder lied to me.

Maybe if I can accomplish this expert level of "staring adoringly," then I will be irresistible.

Super Hungry

2011-09-14T14:43:00.000-06:00

Who's That Girl? It's Jess!

2011-09-08T13:21:00.000-06:00

The most highly anticipated show of the Fall 2011 Season for me has easily been Fox's New Girl which stars Zooey Deschanel as the titular "new girl." Fox has been bombarding me with previews and I was very intrigued from the get go. To be perfectly frank, I adore Zooey Deschanel and when I saw that Deputy Leo from Veronica Mars (Max Greenfield) was on board I said "Yes. Yes I will watch this show and will love it."

I actually don't think this is the greatest picture...but it's the one from Fox's website.

Then some crazy things happened in the previews. You see the main cast consists of Zooey, Deputy Leo, another guy, and a second generation Wayans. Each preview ended with the guys sitting on a couch and Zooey being all posey in excitement. Then suddenly the Wayans disappeared and there were only two guys on the couch. Next thing I know there is another new man on the couch along with Deputy Leo and the other guy. The Wayans is no longer in the show. Come to find out, my sec gen Wayans is going to be on another show and has been replaced...but this put little doubts in my heart about this show.

So here I am, anxious for my show. Hoping it will do well. Wishing that eventually Deputy Leo will bring in Logan Echolls to the show some way.

Then yesterday I notice that iTunes has the first episode for free and available. I say to myself "Oh but all my friends are excited to see it, so I should wait for them." Half an hour later...I must say the show has a lot of potential. It's clear that the writers mean for us to want other guy and Zooey to fall in love...but I will always be hoping for Deputy Leo. Zooey did an excellent job of being great. And the Smeagol line was very good. I think the show had Pilot issues as most Pilots do, and I can't wait to see how they finagle the Wayans exchange in subsequent episodes. I did love the bits of Dirty Dancing in it, and I also love that the theme song is sung by our very own Zooey. It's a catchy one. And has been stuck in my head all day.

All in all, I'm still excited for the show itself, not a huge fan of the Pilot, but it was mainly exposition and I feel that once we get to the "three guys, a girl, and a theme song" formula that everything will be lighthearted and fun. I think I'm going to like the show a lot. A lot....

You Look Ravishing...

2011-08-31T17:52:00.000-06:00

The other day, the cleaning lady said to me "Do you want to be ravished?"

Umm excuse me, cleaning lady! What kind of a question is that?

You can imagine by shock and appallment. (Is that a word now? I hope so.) It's not every day I get asked things like this. Actually, I have never been asked something like this before in my life. So why now? Why today? Is it because my hair looks so good? (I invested the time and wore curlers to bed last night.) Is it because I'm wearing an adorable yellow sweater? (It's very cute.) Is it this new perfume? (Seductive Amber by Victoria's Secret...how could I not have bought it?) A winning combination of all three?

But in answer to your question, cleaning lady: Who doesn't want to be ravished (in a good way) at some point. But no I do not want to be ravished right now. And especially not by you. Sheesy louisey!

You can't fool me with that innocent "can I clean something" smile.

In retrospect...she might have actually said "Do you have garbage?" Oops.

West of the Nile

2011-08-15T15:24:00.000-06:00

I have a theory about mosquitoes. They are all plotting against me. You may think "mosquitoes bite me"…but you should know they’ve been doing that just to keep me from suspecting their true malicious purpose. Their Machiavellian scheme: to bring to pass my slow and painful death.

You see, ever since I was a child, it seemed these fiends could just not get enough. I was Bella and they were Edward. My blood was like a drug to them. I am the mosquitoes own personal brand of heroin. They initially were just trying to keep me around so there’d be an unlimited supply of me. But since I hate nature they soon became jealous and thought if they can’t have me then the indoors can’t either. Thus the new plan to murder me.

Every mosquito bite I’ve gotten this year balloons to the size of Connecticut. HUGE! So they have been dosing me with more and more poison.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..."

So next time you are bitten by a mosquito just know, it’s not you…it’s me.

2011-08-01T08:27:00.001-06:00

Evidently the air conditioner at my job broke over the weekend. So as I am typing this I am slowly melting to death. Please be aware that my office is molten lava hot. It was lovely knowing you all. Please tell my mother that I was brave.

Melted Me

Vindicated

2011-07-19T16:53:00.001-06:00

There are very few things in life that make you do this:

But yesterday something so wonderful happened that it restored my faith in humanity, the order of the universe, and made me do my best Judd Nelson impression.

Yesterday, as I parked in the far off place, I noticed a GIANT White Tahoe taking up TWO compact car spots on a crookedy angle on the first floor. In so doing the GWT was not only parking in MY spot (Note: parking spots are not truly assigned...but I park there nearly ninety percent of the time) but was also preventing an entirely different person from parking in their spot as well. Aside from the injustice of stealing the parking spaces of two hard working people, the driver was also clearly not driving a compact car.

This pissed me off. As I was walking I thought, "If I had some freaking paper I would write this guy a strongly worded letter telling him how vehemently I disapprove of this inconsiderate and self-absorbed behavior."
So here is the letter I drafted in my head while walking the 80 minutes to my job:

Dear Inconsiderate Jerk,
I'm sure you're aware you have parked in the COMPACT parking area. I am sure you are also aware that you are taking up two spaces. Unless you are disabled there is really no excuse for this behavior and demonstration in laziness. If I were a lesser person I would let the air out of your tires. Undoubtedly this is something a horrible person like you would do, but I am not a horrible person so this letter will have to suffice. I sincerely hope that in the future you will park like a responsible human being and like less of a douchebag. I further hope that you hit a pot hole on your way home.
Sincerely,
Everyone Who Has Walked By

Of course, I'd never really be rude enough to write that and stick it on someone's windshield. But it got all my anger out and I was able to move on with my day.

When I walked to my car that night I had completely forgotten how incensed the GWT had made me. So when I entered the parking structure and saw it again...it was a cruel reminder of how awful some people are. But then the best thing ever happened that caused me to thrust my fist in the air...

That's right you a-hole! TICKET TIME FOR YOU!!!

And that is how I know that the world is a good and just place.

No. No, not hung. Not at all. Hanged, yes!

2011-07-18T16:39:00.000-06:00

There are very few things that fill me with seething blood-lust rampaging murderous hate rage. In fact I can think of only one thing in the entire world. I blame this thing for all the evil and horrors that are currently in the world. In fact, I think it is so awful that it probably worked retroactively to cause all the evil and horrors that have ever been.

What is it this thing you ask? I'll tell you. It is this.

It's like he's saying "I hate you. And hating you makes me happy."

Now don't get me wrong. I love Hanging With Friends. It is probably my top favorite thing to do on my iPod Touch. (Or iTouch...as my friend "Marcus" would say.) But that little loading screen makes me want to throw my expensive toy directly into the face of the nearest person. I don't because...well...I'm not really crazy. But I worry it's just a matter of time before I give in.

Basically what I'm saying is this: Zynga, please at least wipe the stupid grin off the "hang tight" guy's face. It's irksome.

Happy Birthday Joss Whedon!

2011-06-23T15:10:00.001-06:00

Today is the birthday of one of my two favorite writers/producers in television. Actually he could just be one of the coolest people in entertainment. It is Joss Whedon's birthday. Hooray! I am so glad he was born and made all of that interesting stuff for me to watch.

As a TV person, Joss Whedon is sort of like the Wizard to my Oz. He gave us so many great things. In fact, BuddyTV put together a little slide show of "Reasons to Celebrate the Existence of Joss Whedon." It is included here.

Slideshow 47 Reasons to Celebrate the Existence of Joss Whedon

Which is...let's face it pretty cool. But not even nearly complete.

It is not really possible to understand how much I heart Joss Whedon unless you too heart Joss Whedon.

Now for those of you who know what I'm talking about let me share some of my favorite lines from his shows:

"Carrots! Medicinal carrots! Personal-use medicinal carrots that were here when I moved in and I'm holding it for a friend!"

"You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with 'til ya understand who's in ruttin' command here."

"Blast it Pacey! Can't you see she loves you?"

Also...my boys. I am pretty much in love with every male character he put on the small screen.

So thank you Joss Whedon for being so great and for making so many great things. Happy Birthday!

Oh Pook!

2011-06-21T13:41:00.001-06:00

I am not a jewelry type of person usually. I try to be. I like jewelry. I think it's pretty. And my dear friend "Lisa" left her beautiful necklace at my house last weekend. I wanted to look fabulous today. So I wore it. This necklace is long and beautiful and goes with my outfit to a tee. (T? Tea?) And yet. I hate it. You see, I remembered why I don't like necklaces. Because I am like Millie Dillmount from Thoroughly Modern Millie.

See that look on her face in the bottom left? That is the look on my face right now. Pure bead line exasperation. Why was a I born a jazz baby with fronts? Why couldn't I be like Miss Dorothy. It's a shame too. Because really the necklace is just so beautiful.

The Beautiful Necklace

Reviews From the Instant Queue

2011-06-20T17:33:00.000-06:00

This is going to be a thing. I will watch old movies that netflix suggests for me to watch. Then I will review them here for you. First up.

Dream a Little Dream

This movie was released in 1989 and stars the Two Coreys: Corey Haim and Corey Feldman.

To sum up: Bobby Keller (Feldman) is in high school and a punk who "is in love" with his bully best friend Joel's gilfriend, Lainie. And old man named Coleman is into meditation and convinces his wife, Gina, to meditate with him outside. Naturally Coleman sort of takes over Bobby's body, and Gina sort of meshes with Lainie. So Lainie/Gina doesn't know she's Gina. And Bobby/Coleman has to somehow convince Lainie/Gina that she is who he says she is so they can go back to being old people and in love. Also, Bobby's other best friend, Dinger, is played by Corey Haim and serves no plot purpose at all.

Being a huge fan of the two coreys and since this movie was back in their prime and when clothes were at their most ridiculous and is about body swapping, I was sure I was going to love it. Sure enough the Coreys were in it. Sure enough the clothes were ridiculous. (This evidently being around the time of Michael Jackson's Dangerous since Corey Feldman looked uncannily like MJ.) This movie also mentioned hair mousse a lot. It seems hair mousse would be a major plot point since it was mentioned so frequently. Sadly. The hair mousse seemed to just hold hair. Throw in the fact that Bobby is failing, Dinger has a broken leg, Lainie dances in stupid aerobics gear, Bobby already has a girlfriend named Shelly who is best friends with Lainie, Joel wants Lainie to "do it", Lainie's mom is INSANE (she counsels her daughter to have sex because "Joel is going to college." I'm serious. I could not make that up by myself. Also when informed that Joel hit Lainie she tells her to not provoke Joel. ALSO she drugs Lainie. INSANE.), Bobby's parents are beyond ridiculous, there is a bully who just randomly picks fights, Joel carries a flask around ALL THE TIME, and the fact that this whole show culminates the night of the school dance after the SATs with a gun stand-off...well I'll just say this movie was a little too absurd even for me.

It did however have some high points. Those being, Corey Haim's completely unnecessary one liners.

I should be at the dance. I was at the dance. Dancing perfectly. With a hot chick. She wanted me. I know she wanted me. Well every girl wants me. But instead I'm sitting out here freezing my ass off in some butt-ugly red Mustang.

That's right, you're messing with Rambo's little brother.

What time is it?
[looks down at wrist]
Why did I look at my wrist? I don't have a watch, I never had a watch.

Wow, I always thought SAT meant Saturday Afternoon Test. What is up?

Why am I running? I have... a broken... leg.

And also the totally awesome soundtrack. It was seriously a great soundtrack.

And those were the only redeeming points of this movie.

And yet. There was a sequel Dream a Little Dream 2. The sequel starred the two Coreys and Robin Lively. The two Coreys combined with the power that is the Teen Witch and sunglasses that can control other people! Dare I watch it? Yes I did. WORST. DECISION. EVER! I mean seriously. It was a terrible idea.

In conclusion, I give Dream a Little Dream and Dream a Little Dream 2 a combined score of 5 jelly beans out of 10 jelly beans. Three jelly beans for Dream and Little Dream and two jelly beans for Dream a Little Dream 2.

I'm the Biggest, Baddest Mucus

2011-06-15T10:20:00.000-06:00

I have a miserable cold. Or allergies. I don't think I have allergies because I never have had them before. And it rained recently which (I believe) clears allergens out of the air. But it could be allergies. I am the sort of person who would have allergies. But any way, my head is so full of gunk that I am fairly certain it is going to get overly congested and just burst little mucinex guys all over everything. Like a mucus bomb.

Which is okay with me. Because I think the mucinex guys are adorable. Like the fat people in Wall-E.

So basically the only thing helping me soldier on through the dire pain and anguish and grump that accompany a cold is the thought that in my head there are a bunch of adorable round fat people chilling on hover chairs.

PS I apologize for the lame-nosity of this blog. As stated, I have a cold. Therefore, I am not "all there." Or here. Or however that works.

Surly

2011-06-08T11:55:00.002-06:00

It has come to my attention that I am a “bench” a lot of the time. This is not always the case. But pretty much most of the time lately. And well I think it’s mostly and internal benching because I mostly just get annoyed in my heart and keep a lot of it in my brain. But I fear that may be making postal. So here are some of the things that I want to say:

This is my brain.

“Please. PLEASE! Keep telling me about how much you loved bowling back in the 1940s.” “Monster’s Inc. is your favorite movie. I know. You tell me EVERY WEEK!” “Oh. Is that what you would do? Then why don’t you do it and stop asking me to!” “Your laugh makes me want to throw water in your face.” “GET OUT OF MY CUBICLE!” “Seriously? You’re going to just not text me back?” “No I don’t know what you are doing this weekend.” “Stop looking at me ice-cream. I will melt you.” “Really BBC America! Really!” “MY SANDWICH!?” “That’s it!” “If I had to pick a least favorite person. It would be you.” “You have Ned Pepper’s teeth from True Grit.” “I ain’t BOVVERED!” “Stop stealing all the triple words spaces!” “Stop telling people about your problem child. No one wants to hear about it!” “Fix your own problems. I am not your mother.” “No. I’m not going to do it.” “Right now? You want me to do that…right now?” “Just leave.” “Don’t worry. I’m only dying of pancreatic failure. Please…let me crawl around on the floor and plug in things for you. Please.”

Sorry. I just had to get that off my chest.

Reasons Why Being Tina Fey Would Be Awesome

2011-06-07T13:22:00.001-06:00

She’s hilarious.

30 Rock is pretty good.

She’s a brunette and they are the best.

She has classy glasses.

I believe she has Greek ancestry which seems like a really cool thing to have.

She has an Emmy.

Baby Mama was a surprisingly wonderful treat. Really. It was shockingly great. If you haven't seen it...invest your time.

She knows Seth Meyers. And a lot of other people. But mostly she knows Seth Meyers.

Bossypants.

2011-06-01T16:16:00.000-06:00

Dear Readers,

I apologize for my long absence. I know you've been going crazy without me. But you'll understand that my brain had turned to mush and I couldn't blog due to the horrible scent thing in the bathroom.

But rest assured dear readers, I feel that all that is behind us now. Yes, I believe the days of headache scented plug-ins are over. For you see...I bought a Febreze Plug-in with the only scent that does not give me a headache.

I discretely switched out the plug-in that was already in the bathroom for my recently purchased one and EUREKA! I can now use the work restroom free from the mind-melting agony that came from the horrid manufactured scents of days gone by.

So I should be able to use my brain fully from here on out. Look forward to happy blogs.
Thank you for your patience and understanding during this trying time.
With all my love,
Ms Amber

Here We Come A-Wassailing...

2011-05-10T11:49:00.000-06:00

The Work Bathroom. My dedicated readers will remember that in an effort to diminish the nasty that is a public restroom the ladies on my floor have installed an air "freshener." You will also remember the pinkness and the aerosol horchata-curry-pumpkin-laundry disaster. If you don't remember...then you are fortunate because the memories are too painful.

With that in mind, I fear it is my duty to inform you that someone has bought a new scent.

I innocently open the door to the ladies' room. I take one step in. I am assaulted by a horrendous spice-smell barrage. The army of scent molecules travel up my nasal and sinus passages into my brain and begin wreaking havoc. I am given a scent headache.

The scent is the sort of smell that is usually relegated to Christmastime. I can best describe it as being like wassail. And I'm not sure why someone thinks a scent that acrid is a good idea. Nor am I sure why they feel the need to turn the dispenserness up to full blast so that the scent has solidified into edible clumps. Nevertheless, they do. And I will be using the bathroom on the first floor until the scent has managed to dissipate.

The Scent Molecules preparing their Front Lobal Offensive.

But what I want to know is, why is it SO hard to just use the wonderful Febreeze spray?

Adventures In Donation

2011-05-04T14:07:00.001-06:00

I gave blood today. It’s a nice thing to do. It’s service without a lot of work. I don’t mind needles. They give you snacks. So I like giving blood.

However, giving blood does not like me. It often times makes me light-headed and nauseus. One time resulting in retching. Another time resulting in the loss of consciousness. Mostly I’m just slightly off. Though one time I was completely out of it and had to be driven home from work by one of the girls. “Jill” informs me that on that day I sat down in the elevator and walked through the downtown streets barefoot when we went to her car. I do not have a recollection of this.

So today, I give blood. I eat breakfast. I have an apple 30 minutes before going. I don’t squeeze the stress ball so I don’t bleed out to fast. I am done in 5 minutes. Which is fast for normal people but normal for me.

I go to the cookie counter and sort through the various items. It’s a good spread today. Chips Ahoy, Short Bread, Oreos, Nutter Butters, Peanut Butter Ritz, Famous Amos, Chewy Granola Bars, Kudos, Fruit Snacks, Fruit By The Foots, Orange Juice, Apple Juice, Trail Mix…and then oh no, I’m feeling a little nauseaus.

Next thing I know I’m trying to decide which is the lesser of two evils: stay seated and throw up in the trash bin or stand up to try to make it to the bathroom before retching and run the risk of passing out. Thankfully “Jenn” and “Tyler” were there and got the phlebs to come help me.

They gave me a spew bag, two ice packs and had me lay down. I felt much better. Then I’d sit up. Then I’d feel sick and have to go back to the floor. Feel good. Sit up. Feel sick. Lay down. Feel good. Sit up. Feel sick. Lay down. Feel good. Sit up. Feel sick. Lay down. Throughout the whole process all I could really think is “Fruit by the foots? Fruit by the feet? Fruits by the foot? Fruit by the yard?” After about an hour of this, I feel well enough that we return to the office and I’m okay still.

But for the life of me, I cannot decide what is the correct way to say I will be having more than one Fruit By the Foot.

No Caption Necessary

Head Over Heels

2011-05-03T17:50:00.001-06:00

I work in an office. An office with corridors. They aren't very long. And they are really mostly just the aisles between cubicle formations. And for some reason unbeknownst to me, I find myself having the strongest desire to do cartwheels down the corridors while no one is looking.

It is a terrible idea for the following reasons:
a.) I am usually wearing a dress or skirt.
b.) That is not proper work behavior.
c.) I'm sure the minute I did it...someone would pop out of their cubicle and catch me in the act.
d.) I am really not capable of doing a cartwheel...I can only do a sort of bum-air-roll-thing that is meant to be a cartwheel.

So I resist the urge and don't do it. And then the next time I am alone in a corridor I think about doing a cartwheel. Sometimes I compromise and do a little funny dance or try to kick my heels together...which is much easier to recover from if you are caught in the act. But the fact remains that I still want to do a cartwheel.

So this is my goal for the summer...to become an awesome and fast cartwheelist so that one day, just one day and just one time, I can do a cartwheel in the corridor, not get caught, and finally fulfill my secret dream of doing a covert cartwheel in the corridors of my office.

My Most Romantic Moment

2011-05-02T12:18:00.000-06:00

I stood there in a swarm of busy singles. All searching and laughing a little too loud. Trying to be seen and trying to see without appearing to try.

"Yeah, we should do something"s and "Give me a call"s flitting around like butterflies. Landing here. Landing there. Flying away as though it was never there to begin with. The unspecial somethings that will be stressed over and analyzed later. Every nuance, every gesture under intense scrutiny.

I begin to leave. I am done being in the buzz. Then 10 feet from the door, I see him walk in. I've seen him before. Many times. He's older than me. He knows me. I am the little girl. One of his sister's little friends. He is Adonis. I keep walking to the door. I smile. He continues his course. I smile.

He smiles. Touches my shoulder and says, "Hey."

In reply I say, "Gab har be do."

He keeps walking. I am a puddle of shame by the door.

Taking It In Stride

2011-04-18T15:07:00.001-06:00

I'm a gum person. I like gum. I'm fairly certain I'm addicted to the artificial sweetener that is in sugar-free gum.

It all started in junior high when I was addicted to Ice Breakers Gum. I could not get enough of that stuff. Like half a pack a day...I had a problem. Then Ice Breakers went all weird and started making the gum in cubes and messed with the texture and so I was upset and had to quit Ice Breakers. To get over that, I started chewing Trident Original flavor gum. Because it just had a clean taste and I liked the feel of the gum from first chomp until it was chewed down and free from flavor. I was happy in my simple world. Until I was given, Orbit Sweet Mint. It was like chewing an after-dinner pillow mint. (Butter mint? What are those called?) My mouth was obsessed with Sweet Mint. I was a sweet mint fiend.

And then today "Jenn" at work introduced me to Stride Spark Kinetic Mint gum. The flavor is like Ice Breakers and Sweet Mint had a baby and it has the smoothness of Trident Original. I don't know if I'm ever going to NOT be chewing this gum. It's sort of like my mouth just died and went to heaven.

Who's With Me?

2011-04-07T10:08:00.000-06:00

April is officially the best month EVER! Observe:

April 1: Source Code and Jane Eyre (which was released other places before then but didn't come here til April 1)
April 8: Hanna, Arthur, AND Soul Surfer
April 10: My Future Boyfriend
April 12: Michael Jackson The Experience for Kinect
April 15: Scream 4 (which I might not see because I'm a coward...but just knowing that it comes out is so exciting)
April 19: Portal 2
April 22: Water for Elephants
April 23: DOCTOR WHO SEASON 6 PREMIERE!
April 29: Fast Five and Prom
AND THE ROYAL WEDDING!!!

Plus now I find out that April 18 we have "William & Kate: The Lifetime Original Movie!" It's going to be SO good.

Hooray for April!

Because This Makes Me Happy

2011-04-06T08:43:00.000-06:00

Best bouncy fun song I have heard in a LONG time. Yay for Hot Chelle Rae!

The Haunting

2011-03-30T15:04:00.001-06:00

For the past several days now, every time I enter to the ladies' restroom at work when no one else is in there I hear a faint, almost ghostly whisper. It may be that I'm hearing the door closing and it makes a sort of breathy squeak or something. Maybe I hear it because I am listening for it. There could be many reasons to explain away the phantom word. But never-the-less, I hear the same word every time. The word is tramp. So I'm fairly certain there is a ghost in the work bathroom that thinks I'm a hussy. It's very upsetting. Moaning Myrtle has found a new home and she does not like me.

Because This Makes Me Happy

2011-03-29T11:38:00.000-06:00

I hate those FWD emails. You know the pass 'em alongs. So I never pass them along. And I very rarely open or read them. But I got this one from "Jill" today and am glad I took the time to read it. So glad, in fact, that I thought I'd post it here and share with y'all.

Sad Passing
A culinary moment... Enjoy

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Hoo hoo. (That's the supposed to be the Pillsbury Doughboy stomach poke noise.)

Vacate the Premises

2011-03-28T14:57:00.002-06:00

My faithful readers will have noticed that I missed blogging all last week. This is because I was on vacation. In California. Let’s go through the highlights of the trip.

Flat tire. We were an hour into the trip when suddenly: POT HOLE. So two hours later, I’m a day park-hopping at Disneyland poorer and we are back on the road with 3 trusty tires and 1 new tire.
6 to 7 hours of bumper to bumper traffic.
The island we were on flooded.
The power got knocked out.
It rained nearly the whole time.
11 boys, 5 girls, one bathroom.
The creepy old black and white photo of a little girl outside of my room.
I forgot my towel.
Sunburned forehead which led to a leprous forehead.
There was sand everywhere in the house.
I paid to NOT eat crab cakes.
Failing massively at boogey boarding.
Tar on the beach.
My car was kidnapped for several hours.
Then I was kidnapped in my car for half an hour.
The boy I have a little crushlette on called me “buddy” which is the worst!
The whale we paid to see fell asleep.
My bangs were driving me INSANE!
When I went for my mani-pedi the little mani-pedi ladies kept tricking me into getting more and more expensive upgrades.
My team lost in the NCAA tournament.
Bottom bunk in California where an earthquake is imminent, which could lead to being smooshed.
Pooped on by a bird. (To be fair “Lindsey” got most of the poop…but I still got a little on me too.)
Parking ticket.
Speeding ticket…an hour away from home.

That’s not to say the trip was all bad. Mostly it was fun. A lot of fun. And I made a bundle of new "buddies." But due to the unexpected expense of the tire and tickets the trip ended up costing me about 3 times more than I thought it would.

However, I did get some shampoo and conditioner that made your head feel minty fresh AND I was introduced to the fun-time that is playing Set. Also there was an olde-timey candy store that supplied me with enough Giant Pixie Stix to keep me happy for a long while yet.

One of These Things is Just Like the Others (Again)

2011-03-18T00:01:00.000-06:00

I watch American Idol. I just have to say that Pia Toscano looks exactly like Courtney Galiano of SYTYCD fame and Lea Michelle of Glee fame.

Observe:

It seems to me that the FOX network has a "type."

Luck o' the Irish

2011-03-17T17:57:00.001-06:00

My faithful readers will know that, in the past, I have had a punctuality problem with regards to work. Since my boss liked me enough to not just fire me for being late all the time, he began enforcing a highly strict time-table for my arrival and had me come "good morning" him each day when I got into work. It was exhausting trying to think of fun ways to say hello. Eventually I just gave up being clever and began walking by his door and giving a silent wave and smile. I think he began to notice my lack of enthusiasm for this and he would ask me how I was. So it again became fun-ish. But the stigma of being a check-in-lady was an unpleasant thing to carry around with me. However, it was effective. I think I've only been like one or two times since the checking-in began. But today he called me into his office...
Now you need to understand, I live in dread fear of his office. I spend every day trying to think of ways to not go into his office. Because when I go in their I feel like I'm going to die/cry/vomit. Because I just know I'm going to get into trouble. So today when I went into his office it was with much trepidation on my part.
And it was okay. Because all he wanted was to assign me a fun project and to tell me I didn't need to check-in anymore. It was a St, Patrick's Day miracle. I wanted to jig and "thank me leprechaun." It was awesome.
So today was fantastic. And I now consider St. Patrick not only the Patron Saint of Ireland, but also the Patron Saint of Not-Getting-In-Trouble-With-Your-Boss and the Patron Saint of Work-Punctuality. Hooray for St. Patrick's Day!

Because This Makes Me Happy

2011-03-16T13:18:00.000-06:00

This is adorable. I love this song so much anyway, and then to add the beauty that is Disney love to it...well I don't know if anything could be better. Aside from the shocking lack of Belle, it is perfect. Although, come to think of it, the Beast always knows her name so I suppose their storyline is not applicable...

During the dance break...I got a little pinched behind the eyes, a little misty, I'll admit it.

2011-03-16T11:27:00.000-06:00

Will Smith

2011-03-15T11:46:00.000-06:00

The other day I was socializing with a couple friends of mine. When suddenly "Lisa" sneezed. And she said something after sneezing. I was sure I had misheard her so I asked "What did you say?"
She said "I sneezed."
"Yes, I know that. What did you say after?"
"Umm excuse me?"
"Okay. I could have sworn you said Will Smith."
"I heard it too!" interjects "Anne."
"Oh good so it wasn't just me who heard it," I say.
So now when we sneeze it's not "Bless you" nor "Bless myself" nor "Salud" nor "Gesundheit"...it's "Will Smith." Join us. It's gonna be a thing.

Hard To Get

2011-03-14T10:41:00.001-06:00

As many of you know, I like the men-folk. A lot of the men-folk. A lot of the time. With a lot of enthusiasm. All my life I have been pretty excited about men-folk and maybe a little over-zealous in my pursuit of them. Perhaps my zeal contributed to what I like to call boyfreakouticus syndrome. It is a tragic condition where the boy I like finds out that I like him or thinks that I like him and he freaks out. I could give you many case studies that show I am a carrier for this disease, the most notable of which occurred in 2001 and involved a stapler.

Since I am afflicted with this disease it really impedes my love-life. Turning things into more of an “or lack thereof” situation. So now I like this new fellow. He goes to my church and is absolutely adorable. He came up to me and sat by me once which was great and we played a board game once. I think he’s super cute. So far the only downside is that he doesn’t quite seem to realize how funny I am. Oh and also that I am TERRIFIED of boyfreakouticus striking it’s next unsuspecting victim. So I have decided to try my hand at playing hard to get.

The Rules to Playing Hard to Get

By Ms Amber

Do not talk to him.
If he tries making eye-contact, look away.
Try not to sit by him.
Wait until he picks a Sunday School class then go to the other one.
When he comes up and talks to you, be a spaz and say mostly nothing.
Hide.

I think it will work out quite well, don’t you?

Pogonology

2011-03-08T07:56:00.002-07:00

This morning while walking into work, I noticed a man. A man with a beard. And I am in love with this man. Not in an oh-bet-he'd-be-attractive-without-his-beard kind of way but in an I-love-him kind of way. This is unprecedented. I do not like beards. I do not like men with beards. But I definitely liked this one. So I'm now being forced to reconsider my staunch position on facial hair. (That is to say, my position in regards to facial hair on men. I am still firmly against facial hair on ANY woman.)

He that hath a beard is more than a youth, and he that hath no beard is less than a man: and he that is more than a youth is not for me, and he that is less than a man, I am not for him...

So Mr. Beardy, if you're out there reading this, please find me again and we will go on a date and I will see how I feel about beards.

Simple Joys

2011-02-28T15:19:00.002-07:00

I love pressure. I thrive on pressure. And no I don’t mean the kind of pressure that comes from being busy and having deadlines and being stressed. No. I mean physical pressure. My ideal untimely demise would probably be being crushed to death by a giant anaconda because a.) it would be cool and b.) it would be pressure.

I love going to the dentist and having them take the x-ray of my teeth because they give you the lead apron to wear and it’s so heavy. I love that feeling. I love being squashed. Which I admit is weird. But whatever. I love it.

So when I tie my shoes I typically tie them really tight so my feet can be pressured. Why do you care? You don’t. I just felt like sharing.

Because I'm so efficient. Johnny on the spot and all...

2011-02-27T15:12:00.011-07:00

So a while back I was crushing on this guy. We’d been building a rapport. Perhaps, too much of a rapport. He started calling me pal. And buddy. Etc. I felt very much like Millie Dillmount in Thoroughly Modern Millie when Trevor Graydon calls her “John” and she tries to make it not be a bad thing. Word to the wise: it can never NOT be a bad thing.

So I strive to get past the whole “pal” thing. I am told by someone, ”Maybe he is just one of those people who says pal all the time.” Well, regardless if that is true or not I was speaking with this young man the other day when he says to me “something something something my girlfriend something something.” WHAT?! Are you kidding me! Here we have been building this rapport for months and months, and suddenly he has a GIRLFRIEND? What is with boys doing stuff like this. (Not getting girlfriends…because I get that. I mean sure I’m mad that the girlfriend they get isn’t me…but whatever.)

In what planet is it a good idea to not disclose that type of information early on in the game when it is pretty clear (I am not a subtle creature) that the girl in the scenario is not only in it for the banter. I mean really. Disclosure. It would have nipped the crush in the bud and friendship would have ensued. Instead all this time spent primping and all my witticisms were for naught. Because he has a girlfriend. Crush crushed.

Oh well, at least we’re pals…

May I approach the bench?

2011-02-16T16:08:00.002-07:00

So the other day I was discussing an issue with some co-workers. I can't remember the exact topic of discussion or who we were talking about but this is why it was memorable.

T: She was a wench. With a B.
J and Me: She was a bench?

So now whenever someone is being less than pleasant they are a bench. Easily my new favorite word. Use it.

The End In the Beginning

2011-02-14T23:47:00.000-07:00

Why hello dear readers. As the more avid amongst you will undoubtedly have noticed, there is no longer a day counter on the right-hand column of my blog. Oh no dear readers there is not. That counter has counted it's last day, ending on day eight thousand two hundred eighty two. 8282. That is the day that I finally had my first kiss.

It is Valentine's Day. I am thoroughly un-boyfriended and beyond cute. The oh-so koo-l Koo Koo Kangaroo were having a performance. I love them. So I rounded up the troops and we set off for what ended up being a pretty incredible night.

The venue where they were performing was, shall we say, cozy. There was a fire-pit outside and people were gathered around. At all their performances Koo Koo Kangaroo has the supplies to make friendship bracelets laid out so their fans and their soon-to-be-fans can craft and socialize. So while waiting for the performances to start we were all mostly gathered around the fire crafting. It was just like girls camp...but with boys.

The performances began and the warm-up bands played. They were all rather fun. Between the second and third sets I got a chance to talk to Bryan and have him sign my t-shirt. I had made a t-shirt with Bryan and Neil heart-guys.

The heart-guys. Neil is left Bryan is right.

The third band started and they were awesome. The boy in the band looked like Joe Jonas. It was pretty cool. Then it was time for Koo Koo Kangaroo to take the stage.

Koo Koo Kangaroo took the stage in all their glory and awesomeness. We picked up our feet and stomped it, stomped it. We a-o-a-ed. We were pirates and ninjas. We shook our feet. We thought colors were awesome. And I'll just stop right there happily because the best sounding letters are LMNOP.

So the show got over. It was over too soon as far as I was concerned. Koo Koo Kangaroo is so much fun. So my friends and I were milling around by the fire-pit just talking. I think it was my friend "Lisa" that suggested I should see if Bryan would kiss me, as this would make an excellent first kiss story. Plus Bryan is awesome. So after lots of internal and external talking myself into having the courage to ask (and copious amounts of lip-balm), I stand in line to talk with Bryan.

"Hey Bryan. I have a question and it's totally cool if you say no. But I have never kissed anyone before, and I was wondering if you would give me my first kiss..." I ask feeling like a total tool.

"For reals? Even with my chipped tooth?" he questions in reply.

"Yeah. But it's cool if you say no."

And then I'm not sure what happened next. Maybe he said something. Maybe I dithered on some more. Who knows. Because the next thing I remember happening is Bryan kissing me. Not a chaste and swift peck. A rather long (it seemed) kiss. And then a little bit of tongue. I was in shock to begin with with.Oh my goodness. He's kissing me. I'm being kissed. What's going on? I know I'm supposed to do something. Like move my lips. Or kiss back. I can't do that. I don't know how. I totally should have practiced on the back of my hand as a child. I did say I'd never kissed someone before. He can't expect me to be like a professional at this. Oh my goodness. There is tongue. Aaaah! I wasn't prepared for that. Aaaaah! So I pull away. I don't know what happens next. Lots of talking with my friends.

Bryan says "Oh I didn't even dip you."

So next thing I know, I am having my second ever kiss. The exact same panic floods through my mind. I'm doing this wrong. I'm making a fool of myself. Amber...why aren't you even trying to kiss back. Oh you're a fool. This is so new to me. I'm glad to know that I was right about enjoying kissing. I always was sure I would. I'm sure I'd have more fun if everyone wasn't watching...and if I was participating. Why are you just being a dead fish, Amber? He brings me back up. I think I giggle and say thank you. He says something about next time we'll need to work up to tongues. I am still slightly in shock. I think I said something in reply. But have no idea what. It didn't really hit me until we got to the car. Then I fully understood.

I am no longer VL. I have kissed a guy. (Well mostly he kissed me, but it counts.) My first kiss was with one of the coolest guys ever who is in a band that I love, on Valentine's Day, after going to one of the best shows ever.

I defy anyone else to have a better first kiss story.

P.S. How was the kiss? Not that I have a lot of experience, and not that I was able to process a whole lot during my panic stricken moments, BUT it was very nice. I wish I had participated more, rather than being passively kissed. Oh well. He definitely wasn't lacking in enthusiasm. *blush

The blurry, not so good picture that "Mike" took of my first kiss. *blush again.

Never Say Never

2011-02-10T17:40:00.004-07:00

I love Justin Bieber. Even though I am old enough to be his older sister. Watching this video made me want to give the kid a hug. Awww. I hope he marries my cousin. They'd be cute and young together.

Also I am so excited for his movie that comes out tomorrow. I want to go see it. Who's with me?

The Surprising Adventures of Baron Münchhausen

2011-02-09T14:20:00.001-07:00

I am not a hypochondriac.

Sure if there is something wrong with me and freak out and I am certain that it’s something completely serious. Sure I’ve had the flu and written out a will because I was sure it was the end. But I am not a hypochondriac. But I think I do know what is wrong with me.

I was reading on the internet the other day about Münchausen Syndrome and I figured it out. I have that. I am a münchauser. Wiki says, in Münchausen syndrome, the affected person exaggerates or creates symptoms of illnesses in themselves to gain investigation, treatment, attention, sympathy, and comfort from medical personnel. Now I hate the hospital and I hate being sick. And I don’t pretend that I’m sick because when I’m sick I really do have the symptoms. But after reading up on Münchausen Syndrome, I’m starting to recognize in myself the latent potential to pretend I’m sick for attention. After reading up on it, I’m seeing the symptoms in myself. So I’m not really and münchauser yet, but I can see that I will be. I’m like a münchauser munchkin.

But acknowledgment is the first step to recovery. So I am pretty sure I will be able to beat this thing.

Also, I’m pretty sure that I really do have a brain tumor and that is the reason for all my other symptoms that can't be explained by Münchausen Syndrome. Even though my CT scan didn’t show anything. But I repeat, I am not a hypochondriac.

I Left My Heart...

2011-02-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

In San Francisco.

Now I've never actually been to San Francisco. But it has always been a dream. To be perfectly honest, I have only wanted to go to San Francisco since I first saw the Palace of Fine Arts in a movie. I recently have been watching the new USA show Fairly Legal, which is set in San Francisco and it showed some establishing shots and the Palace of Fine Arts was included. So it brought this place fresh to my mind and I had a dream I was there. It was awesome. And now I can't beat the bug to want to go see it in person. I think (in pictures at least) that is has to be one of the most beautiful places in all the world. Admire it. Admire it now.

So there it is. Thank you for admiring it. I hope I someday get to San Francisco and that I can take a picture of this beautiful place with my own camera. Sigh.

2011-02-07T12:50:00.012-07:00

These are the songs that have been making me head bop, foot tap, and dramatic arm sweep while working at my desk all day. It's hard to dance quietly and stealthily with people constantly walking around. However, it is an art that I have perfected. Feel free to listen and practice your own workspace dance moves. Also very important to make sure your dance moves can instantly be converted into a non-embarrassing work related motion. Good luck.

Bleargh! What is that?!

2011-02-06T02:16:00.001-07:00

I was stalked by a horrendous phantom odor...

It all started a couple of weeks ago. Some friends of mine and I decided to cook. We ended up using a lot of herbs and spices and were very unrestrained in our use of garlic. The food was okay. But for several days my kitchen smelled strongly of garlic and onions. But the smell seemed to fade, but still lingered slightly.

Then a couple days later I noticed that the drawer in my cubicle smelled a little bit like an old sandwich. Which was strange and I could not figure out why it smelled thus. But since I only opened that drawer twice a day and the smell wasn't over-powering, I didn't really spend much time thinking about it. Though when I'd open the drawer to pull out my purse each night I couldn't help but wonder in those few seconds what was causing the smell.

Then this weekend I noticed that the smell in my room...the smell I identified as garlic breath-ish was fairly strong and that my room was smelling bad. I left my window and door open (something I really never do) and turned my fan on oscillate (something that I still do not really ever do, since it creates a light breeze and I hate those). It seemed to fix the problem.

The next morning I woke up and it seemed the smell was back though not as strong as before. I wasn't sure what the problem was but I figured since we had used garlic in our cooking again that it must have wafted it's way into my bedroom again like the cheese smell in a cartoon that can carry a mouse to it. A palpable effusion of unpleasant foody smell. So when I went to the store I bought some of the very good smelling febreeze spray that they had in the bathroom at work. Not the awful taste it in your mouth sort but the sort that smells like a nice drier sheet.

I sprayed the living death out of every part of my room, left the window open, left the door open, and left on my oscillating fan. I came back an hour or so later and it was alright. I came back a couple more hours later the smell was slightly back so I sprayed again. I came back about five more hours later and the smell was intense and coupled with the heady scent of the febreeze. My nostrils were being bombarded by food linen rot.

I knew for sure that this was no ordinary scent seepage from kitchen escapades. No I was certain something had been discarded in my trash bin and had decided it's life was over and wanted me to know about it. So I empty my garbage and go through it to make sure the culprit was found. Yet, nothing but papers were in the trash bin. So I return to my room. And I smell. I follow the scent like the cartoon mouse I mentioned earlier. The smell brings me to...my purse?

What could possibly be smelling this awful and living in my purse? I empty the outer zipper pouch. Pencils, money, work ID, hand sanitizer, lotion, gum, chapstick, a thumb drive, and money. Nothing of smell there. So I empty the inner zipper pouch. Anti-bacterial wipes, anti-bacterial spray, ibuprofen, hair brush, two hair combs, my mace. Nothing smelly there either. So I move onto the giant main portion. The bag. The Mary Poppins bag part of my over-sized purse. I pull out four books, a journal, a notebook, a planner, my checkbook, sunglasses case, make-up brushes, make-up, pens, pencils, chapstick, more lotion, more hand sanitizer, my removable hard drive, nail polish, three computer cables, a flash light, an umbrella, a work directory, five bobby-pins, movie tickets, receipts, a water bottle, earmuffs, three and a half pairs of gloves, a granola bar, a necklace, two pairs of earrings, three ipod attachments, two playbills, three fruit snacks, and at the very bottom of the bag I find...an old hard boiled egg.

That's right. A rotten egg. Like Templeton The Rat, I have been carrying around a rotten egg with me every where I go. Why do I have an egg in my purse? I imagine I had taken it with me for lunch one day but completely forgot about it. But finally all of the mystery smells were no longer a mystery. It was the nasty rotten egg turning my room into a den of vomitous odor. It was the nasty rotten egg making the drawer at work smell like something was not quite right. It was the egg. The egg that had bits of purple rot inside. I gagged a little in my mouth once it finally was unburied.


Don't you wish that YOU had one for your purse?

Following the prompt removal of the egg and the immediate washing of my purse and all it's various items, my bedroom actually smells quite nice again. And what is the lesson we learned today kids? Well there are a couple. First, don't take an egg around with you and the forget it's there. It can only end badly. Second, clean out your purse. I'd say, at least once a week. And the final lesson I would say is this:

Don't carry eggs around in your purse. Ever.

Seriously. It will never be a good idea.

PS I think this also might explain why I've been having all of these dreams where velociraptor mother's are chasing me around because I've stolen their eggs. I think my subconscious mind was telling me what was going on.

The BF aka The Body Finder

2011-02-01T14:46:00.006-07:00

The sheer incredibleness of this book's awesomity has left me completely overwhelmed. I am obsessed. I just finished reading and I want to just start it over again. I was so stressed and excited and nervous and anxious and frustrated and EVERYTHING while reading this book that I had to just stop and take a moment to catch my breath. I feel a little foolish for becoming so involved. It was like I was there. For every creepy moment, my skin was crawling and I felt like I needed to carry my mace around with me. For every lovey moment, I just wanted to giggle. And I have never loved and hated the word tantalizing so much in my life. This book was amazing. I'm amazed.

Disclaimers (aka little spoilers...not big ones):

There is a serial killer. Which is creepy. You get some killer POV. Which is THE CREEPIEST. So if that is a deterrent, be deterred.
There is one f-word about mid-way through the book. And a smattering of other "regular" expletives. So if that is a deterrent, be deterred.
There is girl loves boy stuff. And some pretty intense kissing. So if you aren't interested in hearing about how great this guy is or voyeuring on some very fun kissing scenes (and one really UN-fun kissing scene)...then don't read it.
The book is Young Adult. I mean, make sure you don't somehow tell some child to read this book. (See above.)

BUT SEE FOR YOURSELF IF YOU WANT TO INVEST YOUR TIME.

You can read an excerpt (the first 70 pages, I think) right here.

Because This Makes Me Happy

2011-01-24T16:49:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favorite things. How favorite? you ask So favorite that my friend "Rachel" and I learned this bit just for fun and performed it for my parents a couple of years ago. Just like little kids who put on performances of Cinderella. So without further ado, I present this video...

Just So You Know

2011-01-24T15:06:00.000-07:00

I love Dr Pepper. He is my boyfriend. We all know this. YEAH WE GET IT! YOU LOVE DR PEPPER. I apologize dear reader for there is a point to my bringing this up. That point being, when I am sick there is only one beverage I trust and turn to fix me up. And that is Pepsi. (Okay not true. I do drink Aloe Vera juice to settle an upset stomach. As it will either help you purge the upset or settle, but I only go in those extreme circumstances where purging is preferable to my suffering.) When I have a headache or feel slightly queezy or feel like I am going to have a headache or am going to feel slightly queezy, I feel like nothing puts a stop to the trouble like Pepsi.

My mom says that cola has settling qualities. Since people drink cola to settle stomachs. And also carbonation settles stomachs (alka-seltzer). And it has caffeine which is supposed to help headaches. So Dr Pepper, I love you. But Pepsi…I owe you my life. And there is always the drink my gramps taught me...Dr Pepsi...which should be the best of both worlds.

Hey BUSt a Move

2011-01-21T15:44:00.003-07:00

So the other day I had to walk to the local kinkos to make copies. It was a very very very bad day. I was super stressed because I didn't feel like my project (the need for the copies mentioned above) was going very well and I was running right up to my deadline. I had worked on it the night before and I had slept very little. (Which isn't too weird for me since I am almost a vampire.) But since I went to bed late, I overslept a little and thus missed my opportunity to shower. So...I looked terrible. I was wearing these awful jeans (my only clean pair) that make my butt look hugenormous because the pockets puff up all funny right on the bum. And also make my legs look impossibly short (even shorter than normal) because they used to be way too long so we tried to hem them but we went a little too far and now they are floody. And I was wearing let's just call it...my ugly shirt. Not a good look.

So I make my copies and start walking back to work. I am thinking to myself "I hate this day so much! Why isn't it tomorrow already!" when the orange hand turns to the white walking dude and I cross the street.

As I am crossing the street there is a bus stopped at the red light. In the bus is a pretty attractive 20-something bus driver. And he mouths to me through his closed window "How are you?" And I just sort of smile and keep walking to the other side of the street. I have to cross the other way so I'm waiting for the light to change.

As I am waiting, I look over out of the corner of my eye at the bus. Mr. Hottipants Bus Driver is just staring at me. It kind of freaked me out. Not that he was like leering but that he was gawking at me on my ugly day. So I moved so some other person waiting to cross the street was blocking me from the bus driver's view. And then the bus driver inched the bus forward til he could see me again! It was utterly bizarre. Then the light changed and I walked across the street and he turned left away from me. But it was so weird! I mean really...it was an ugly day. Maybe I'm cuter than I had originally thought

How Do Your Clothes Make You Feel: Part Deux

2011-01-20T16:49:00.000-07:00

I went shopping last week. I spent far too much money. But that's just because I looked so cute in so many things. I got 3 pairs of boots, a coat, a dress, and 8 blouses. I also got skinny jeans/jeggings. I don't like skinny jeans typically and I loathe jeggings. But I got some because I wanted to be able to wear my pants inside my boots. Plus they are the most comfortable pants I've ever own. Jeggings are the Snuggies of pants.

Today I wore my new snuggie-pants and my new grey boots and this new cute sweater. In a previous blog, I had mentioned how wearing boots makes me feel like a pirate. But I didn't take into account that if I wore my pants inside my boots I would be even more piratey. AND that if I wore a long flowy blouse that it would be like wearing a pirate shirt as well. So pretty much I've been stomping around "cannons at the ready" all day. I really need to think a little more when I pick out outfits in the morning.

Movies Movies Movies

2011-01-20T09:46:00.010-07:00

The cable has been broken at my house. Since we have cable, naturally we don't have an antenna. I have thus been without the ability to waste my time watching television and furthermore missed the first JLo episode of American Idol last night. I know...it's upsetting to me too. Since I have had all this time on my hands I've compiled a list. A list! Oh how exciting! I've been so missing Amber's lists! Dear Reader, it you're right. It has been a while since I last posted a list. So here you are. A list of my favorite movies sorted by most favorite 1 through 25. (Note: This is my list of favorites as preferred by me at this current time. The list can change. But be aware that the top 3 have been locked for the past, oh, 10 years or so.)

1 THE PHILADELPHIA STORY

2 STAR WARS EPISODE V: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

3 SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE

4 NORTHANGER ABBEY

5 STARDUST

6 HAIRSPRAY: THE MOVIE MUSICAL

7 WILLOW

8 YOU AGAIN

9 SHE’S THE MAN

10 DIRTY DANCING

11 FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF

12 SERENITY

13 THE PRINCESS BRIDE
14 SOMEWHERE IN TIME

15 I.Q.

16 CASABLANCA

17 PRIDE AND PREJUDICE (A&E)

18 THE SOUND OF MUSIC

19 BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

20 ROMANCING THE STONE

21 WHILE YOU WERE SLEEPING

22 GREASE

23 SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN BROTHERS
24 IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE

25 SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL SHERIFF

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

MOULIN ROUGE, THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE, NOW AND THEN, 17 AGAIN, BRINGING UP BABY, GIDGET, ENCHANTED, THE PRINCE OF PERSIA, ANASTASIA, MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING (KENNETH BRANAUGH), TOY STORY 3, NOISES OFF, GROUNDHOG’S DAY, BACK TO THE FUTURE, SCOOP, NEWSIES, GHOSTBUSTERS, FLIPPED, NOTTING HILL, THE FIFTH ELEMENT, BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE, ARSENIC AND OLD LACE, THE VILLAGE, BLAST FROM THE PAST, WHAT'S UP DOC?

So fair readers...what do you think of that list?

2011-01-19T17:35:00.001-07:00

WARNING: The P!nk song says the b-word several times.

Thank You George McGill and Henry R. Heyl

2011-01-12T15:14:00.000-07:00

I have a new man in my life. Well…he’s not so much “new” as he has taken on a new importance in my life. We’ve been spending pretty much the whole day together all week. And we just can’t seem to get enough of each other. Who is he you ask? Well, he is Ivan. My stapler. He’s a swingline. Very cool. A rich blue. And sure he is a terrible stapler because every fourth staple requires the use of both hands and arms and sometimes standing up and a full body force to complete the staple…but nobody (and no office supply for that matter) is perfect.

A photo of Ivan on his trip to Zions National Park

Now this relationship...this bond is especially remarkable when you consider that staplers and I have not always been on the best of terms. Those of you who know me are familiar with the story of the young man with whom I was infatuated, who found out that I had formed a tendre for him and mockingly stapled himself in the head because it was such a horrifying concept. Since that time, staplers became a symbol of me just being repulsive. Then I got over it and moved on and staplers were a mildly amusing reminder of how dramatic I had been in my childhood. So now spending all day with a stapler started out being a little awkward. But we're cool now. And Ivan and I just like spending hours together. Hours and hours.

All week I have been scanning and stapling. Scanning and stapling. Scanning and stapling. Scanning and stapling. And stapling. And stapling. And stapling. My arms are sore. FROM STAPLING. The top portion of my abs is sore. FROM STAPLING. How exactly ineffective is my stapler if it is requiring enough effort that my abs are being not only used but worked out? So yeah. Ivan is my new personal trainer and hopefully by the time I’ve scanned and stapled and stapled and stapled all the documents that I’m supposed to I will wind up having Sarah Connor from Terminator 2 arms.

A Lesson In Ethics

2011-01-08T18:06:00.000-07:00

To fully be able to appreciate this lesson you will need to first know…

The Story of Amber and “Friend”

Amber first met “friend” during biology in Amber’s sophomore year of high school. “Friend” was in her group for many labs and so he and Amber and became school friends. They didn’t really run in the same crowd, but occasionally there was some group overlap in extended friend circles so random outside of class associations happened. The rest of high school continued in this manner.
Following graduation from high school Amber and “friend” began to spend more and more time with each other. Eventually Amber and “friend” became best friends. And Amber began to develop a tendre for “friend.” And things stayed exactly like that for quite a few months, with Amber longing for something more from “friend” and “friend” being oblivious to Amber’s affections.
Then “friend” moved out of the country for two years. And throughout the two years Amber’s tendre did not fade. Amber sent “friend” packages with letters, cassettes, candies, random fun items, and little secret pieces of her heart. “Friend” occasionally sent Amber letters with anecdotes about other girls.
Then “friend” moved back. Amber and “friend” were reunited at last. And Amber found that during those two years things had changed and the tendre was gone but the camaraderie still remained. Life was good. Amber began to joke about “back in the day when I used to have a crush on you” and “friend” was completely astounded.
So life carried on. Amber’s grandmother passed away. Amber was upset and “friend” invited Amber to dinner the following day. Amber was touched. Another friend wanted to come to dinner as well. Amber asked “friend” if that would be alright. “Friend” replied that since he was paying he thought it would kind of be a date. Amber was completely thrown through a loop because that was strange. They did not date. Amber said she was confused and “friend” said that he decided he needed to make his dates be more meaningful and that he was getting more serious about life and that is wasn’t that he needed to get married now but that someday he would like to. Amber pretty much had a heart-attack and said she was even more confused. Amber and “friend” talked some more and then agreed that they would have this date and they would discuss things more on the date.
The date consisted of dinner. Amber and “friend” went to a cute little bakery that Amber had been wanting to go to for quite a while. Amber ordered a panini. If Amber recalls correctly, she ended up paying for herself. “Friend” got a panini as well. They ate. And discussed everything but what they had come to discuss. The food was gone. The plates were empty. Amber was dying inside. “Friend” asked if they were going to talk about what they had come to discuss. Amber said that he brought it up so he could start. What Amber heard was basically that“friend” didn’t know that Amber had had feelings for him and that if Amber would have feelings for him then “friend” would deign to attempt to have romantic feelings for Amber. Amber was (for lack of a better word) pissed, but she hid it well. She said that she was good not having feelings for him and that they should just stick to being friends. “Friend” agreed. They left dinner and went about their various activities. Amber left her activity early and went home and cried, much to the distress of Amber’s friend who had come over to commiserate with her.
The next day Amber went about the business of burying her grandmother. Under the influence of grief and the grief-influenced influences of her family (who had nothing more interesting to talk about than what was going on with Amber and “friend” since they were at a funeral all day), Amber sent “friend” a text message that said his bringing all that up had brought her old feelings to the surface and she was confused and maybe she liked him as more than a friend and maybe they should see if they could be something more. The second after she hit the send key, she instantly regretted that decision and wanted to die.
The following day, Amber had still not received a response from “friend.” Amber’s brother-in-law said that Amber had ruined her friendship with “friend.” Amber cried.
Later that evening, Amber was spending time with her friends and they all wondered where “friend” was. So Amber sent “friend” a message asking him if he was just going to ignore her for the rest of his life or if he was going to come over and be her friend? He replied that he would be coming over to be with their friends if he could bring a couple of people over with him. He came. With friends. One of whom, Amber fell head over heels for one of the boys “friend” brought. And that sealed up the problem of the Amber-“friend” more than friends issue quite nicely.
From that day forward Amber and “friend” have (for the most part) gotten along with perfect ease and friendship.
Until yesterday.

When inviting guests to an event with limited number of available places it is important to make sure all invitees are aware of the limited nature of the event. Events where tickets are necessary are typically the most common of these limited events. However, there are the occasional “plus one” type events where this rule applies.

There are two ways to issue the invitation for these events: general invitation or specific invitation with filtration.

General Invitation

Let us suppose that you have 4 tickets to an event. You want to go and you don’t care who comes with you as long as you know them. So you send out a text message (or something like that) to all the people you think you could have a reasonably fun time with inviting them to go. You say something like “Hey guys. I have 3 extra tickets to this event. Who wants to come?” You receive replies back. The first three people to respond in the affirmative should be the 3 people who get to go.

The general invitation may also go through a filtration process. Suppose you have three core groups of friends. You may sense that Group A would be the most interested and most fun so the message would be sent to Group A first. Then once Group A has responded, if the tickets aren’t used, you would then send out a second message to the secondary group, and so on and so forth. Still the first three people to respond would be those who get to go.

Specific Invitation

Let us suppose that you have 4 tickets to an event. You would invite three individual people that you want most to go with you to the event. They reply. If all three say yes then you are in luck and the asking is over. If one or more of them say they cannot go, then you must move on down in your list of preference and invite the next person. But the invitation is never extended to more people than there are open tickets for. This way no one is invited needlessly.

Yesterday, “friend” sent Amber a text message that said he had tickets to an event the following night and wanted to know who wanted to go. Amber immediately replied that she would like to go. “Friend” told Amber that she was the first to reply and that he would get her more details. Amber was (for lack of a better word) stoked. Then “friend” gets back to Amber and tells her that several people have replied and that he only has one extra ticket so now he has to choose who to take. This makes Amber very unhappy indeed. Later, “friend” tells Amber that he has now eliminated all the boys since he has decided that the event will be a date. He asks Amber (and presumably the other girls to whom this mass text was sent) to tell him how much she wants to go and why he should pick her. Amber replies that he should take her because he owes her a date. (She is referencing the dead grandmother date where she believes she ended up paying for herself.) “Friend” doesn’t seem to get the reference. Nor does “friend” seem to remember that Amber invited “friend” to an event very similar to the event in question roughly a week ago. No “friend” does not.
“Friend” breaks the ethical code and does not take the first person that replies to his invitation. No. “Friend” decided to take the girl who offered to take him out to dinner. “Friend” is a doufus.

So the lesson is this, kids:

“Friend” is a doufus.

And you should take the first responder. Since you are the person who invited them in the first place. Also, don't tick off Amber, because she is liable to get grumpy enough to blog about it.

P.S. Please don't be mad "friend"...

2011-01-05T12:27:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I find there really is nothing better than a good playlist to get you through the day. This is the first playlist of what I am sure will be many. So I hope y'all enjoy. And while I'm at it...here is some rockin' Shakespeare just for fun.

Sweet Moon, I thank thee for thy sunny beams; I thank thee, Moon, for shining now so bright; For, by thy gracious, golden, glittering gleams,I trust to take of truest Thisby sight. But stay, O spite! But mark, poor knight, What dreadful dole is here! Eyes, do you see? How can it be? O dainty duck! O dear! Thy mantle good, What, stain'd with blood! Approach, ye Furies fell! O Fates, come, come, Cut thread and thrum; Quail, crush, conclude, and quell!

O wherefore, Nature, didst thou lions frame? Since lion vile hath here deflower'd my dear: Which is--no, no--which was the fairest dame That lived, that loved, that liked, that look'd with cheer. Come, tears, confound; Out, sword, and wound The pap of Pyramus; Ay, that left pap, Where heart doth hop: Thus die I, thus, thus, thus. Now am I dead, Now am I fled; My soul is in the sky: Tongue, lose thy light; Moon take thy flight: Now die, die, die, die, die.

That is the "Pyramus" part from the play within the play of A Midsummer Night's Dream. Once upon a time, I am pretty sure that I was the best Pyramus ever. The end.
PS I can't believe I learned that whole thing AND managed to die all over the place while reciting. I was amazing.

Resolutely

2011-01-04T17:51:00.003-07:00

It’s a new year. And resolutions are a plenty. Resolutions. That word has always seemed funny to me. 10 months out of the year resolution is something that has to do with pixels and image quality. Then for the tail-end of December and the month of January resolutions take on a whole other meaning. Somehow resolutions mean…I’m going to try to be better than I am. Anywho, in keeping with the widespread tradition of setting resolutions, I have been thinking and thinking and thinking about resolutions in general. And I’ve come to the conclusion that my year-time definition (pixels, etc) is still applicable during the holiday season. Because we are setting goals to become the hi-res version of ourselves. To make our image sharper. To add more detail. Ya dig me?

Okay so here are some of my HD upgrades for the year:

1. Keep my dumpster of a room clean and tidy.
2. ZUMBA! Because it’s fun and fit.
3. Enjoy two hikes. Not go on 2 hikes and complain. But go on as many hikes as I have to so that I can enjoy 2 of them. And that resolution goes hand in hand with…
4. Enjoy nature.
5. Kiss a boy who I like and who likes me.
6. Not bad mouth people. (I’ll admit it…I’m a gossip monger. It’s a terrible terrible habit.)
7. Blog at least once a week. (Is that the sound of cheering that I hear?)
8. Finish writing my book. (I’m looking at you Maggie.)
9. Get ready every day. Even if I’m sick or tired or not going anywhere or seeing anyone. EVERY DAY.
10. ________________________ (This one is SECRET.)

So. I’m thinking that of all my resolutions probably only 1 or 2 of them will work out. BUT who knows…maybe all of them will and I’ll be AMBER HD. Will I have to buy a Blu-Ray if that happens…hmmm…

Too Bad

2010-11-30T18:03:00.000-07:00

There is this man at work. He is beautiful. Honestly probably the most attractive man I have ever seen in real life. And he wears sweaters over his white collared shirt and tie. So unbelievably attractive. He is, of course, married.

Which is depressing for me but really fortunate for his wife. Who is the luckiest lady in the world.

Seriously. This guy is like the perfect blending of Brad Pitt and Hugh Jackman. Like this only well...his hair is darker. He is truly a sight to behold.

Often times I find myself thinking..."What a lucky lady" (meaning his wife) and then I wonder....

"Do you think he has a single brother?"

ITs A Conspiracy

2010-11-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

I never thought I would be one of these people. No. I did not. Because until recently I didn't believe it was true. But now I know different. The "support" people of the world are the worst. Now granted not all of them. At my job I have a great rapport with our IT people, and since I am technically adept and able to assist with their menial tasks...so when I have a problem our IT people help me and as swiftly as they can. So okay great. BUT IN GENERAL, I'm going to say that IT people or Support people are the worst. I recently have been having issues with my iTunes account. And you all know how much I love me some iTunes. So it is a terrible thing. Two of my iTunes accounts just won't let me buy anything. It was the worst. And no...it wasn't a problem with my money. So I ask IT what's up. And they basically have no idea. And are useless. And I emailed with them back and forth for 3 weeks. I sent them step by step photos of what what going on. And still useless. Same thing with my phone that was freezing every 15 minutes then needing to be re-booted. The phone people were SOOOOO not helpful. So I have come to a conclusion. I am going to be an IT person when I grow up. And I'm going to be uber helpful and efficient and lovable. And I will restore humanity's faith in the IT departments of the world.

IT person, seriously if I tell you what my problem is and how exactly you can fix it...and you just don't because you don't believe me...doesn't that just make you look like a lazy idiot? Yeah it does.

This is me saying "double-ewe tee eff!!!!"

It just keeps coming...

2010-11-11T14:57:00.002-07:00

In the bathroom at work someone brought in a Febreeze spray. So now I have the horchata-curry-pumpkin-laundry scented plug-in combining with raspberriness to create one ultimate manufactured scent. It's like being in the perfume aisle of a really crappy department store where they only sell the cheap stuff. If dollar stores had perfume aisles...the bathroom at work is what they would smell like.

Bringing You Up To Speed

2010-11-08T19:10:00.000-07:00

To my beloved reader(s),

I apologize for my extended absence. I hope you will understand that after the tragic loss of my muse (KtCM), I couldn’t find the will to blog. I feel well and over the loss. And to be perfectly frank I have found a new “love a far.” But more on that at a later date.

Today I will update you on the work restroom.

I never thought there could exist an air-freshened fragrance worse than the Barbie-mist, but there is. It manifested today. I don’t even know how to describe this over-whelming taste-smell. It’s like unto aerosol horchata-curry-pumpkin-laundry. Yeah actually that’s the perfect way to describe that. Also don’t forget that it causes brain tumors. Because I have had an excruciating head pain all day…which could only be caused by an aerosol introduced brain tumor.

Please someone who knows this pain I suffer…buy a new plug-in scent thingy! Save me!

Look at the awful haze. Worse than the pink!

Flopperganger

2010-10-26T17:55:00.001-06:00

Flip flops. I love them. You love them. They are not a craze for nothing. But I also hate them a little bit. Why? Because I hate the flip and the flop of them. Seriously they are the world’s noisiest shoes.

Flip flops have become frowned upon at my job because my big boss doesn’t really like them. They haven’t been banned outright…but you get sort of a look when you wear them. And well they are not really something you can hide when you’re walking past your bosses office. Sure, no one looks at the shoes you’re wearing really. No one notices. That is unless your shoes are flipping and flopping around sounding like you’ve got on inverted tap shoes. Thwack thwack thwack! Maybe I’ll trying walking slower. THWACK THWACK THWACK! Okay that just made it worse. Maybe I’ll try this gripping technique with my toes… THWACK THWACK THWACK! Oh forget it. And you are forced to just blatantly admit that you are wearing flip flops. There really is no disguise for them.

So I’m ready to convince myself that flip flops are awful. Here is why:

They are unprofessional.
Unless regularly pedicured, you run the risk of growing hobbit feet.
Your feet not only start looking deformed and calloused but also impossibly dirty since you’re basically walking around barefoot-ish.
They are so unprofessional.
Oh I give up.

Who am I kidding? I love you flip flops. And I’m sorry you’re so loud that I can’t covertly wear you to work. We’ll always have the weekends.

I Dreamed a Dream

2010-10-25T17:25:00.000-06:00

So I was sick over the weekend. And while I was sleeping off my illness I had an excellent dream. Let me tell you.

Their rocket shipped crashed on Earth. The only way they would be able to get back to their home planet would be to send out a signal of their images far enough that others of their kind would see them and find them. Unfortunately all the equipment on their ship had been damaged in the crash beyond repair. Stranded on this alien planet they searched desperately for a means to send out a signal to space. They saw our primitive radio and television broadcasts and thought “Perhaps this signal could be strong enough.” So they schemed and practiced techniques for getting themselves “on air.” Fortunately their alien harmonics and intonations were perfectly suited for pop melodies. And while their features were thought ugly on their home planet, here their dark locks and soulful eyes were found handsome. The humans embraced their alien fondness for leggings that hug close to the legs and for lime green. They rose in popularity and produced as many messages as they could manage…hoping that someone from home could save them from this planet. This planet that seemed to them to be filled more and more with 12-17 year old girls. They waited and waited…living their lives on Earth as…THE JONAS BROTHERS.

That’s right folks. I had a dream that The Jonas Brothers were aliens. And that right there is why being sick isn’t always the worst if you get to sleep through most of the crappy parts and have awesome dreams.

Three Brothers...trying to get home.

Pfft

2010-10-20T17:48:00.001-06:00

You all know about my one true love Keith the Cookie Maker. And you may remember that much like his beard is growing out…we have been growing apart. Well…he’s dead to me.

Yesterday as I was journeying toward my homestead I passed where KtCM works making the delicious cookies. My heart thrilled at the sight of him, despite his slumocky backwoodsman appearance. I imagined it would be just like in SBFSB when Benjamin shaves off his beard and VOILA…babeness ensues. I imagined our adorable-pants children running around being good-looking and eating cookies. I imagined- wait. What? What is that in your hand KtCM? A smoke? YOU’RE SMOKING? In front of the children?! KtCM is a SMOKER. That is so unappealing to me. So irrevocably unappealing to me. (Unless he were to quit and etc) But I don’t think he will. And frankly I don’t more than slightly care if he does or not. (Naturally I wish he would quit. I wish everyone would quit. It’s gross. And smelly. And bad for you. And your teeth.) So KtCM and I are done.

Our unborn children are up somewhere in heaven weeping because they will never be born…but I am unmoved. KtCM is no longer my love. Keep your dirty beard and smokes...I'm over it.

The real KtCM walking away from me. Hehehe. And some stranger in a green shirt.

OJ Did It

2010-10-20T14:00:00.000-06:00

This morning I woke up early. I got ready. I had enough time so I turned on the old ipod and sang and head wobbled to Newsies while putting on my make up and doing my hair. I was able to examine my clothing and pick out a tres cute outfit and chose heels for while in the office and flip-flops for the arduous trek to and from my car. I grabbed food for breakfast and food for lunch. I grabbed my orange juice to go and went on my merry way in Tilly. About 2 minutes into my journey I feel cold-wet on my skirt. What? Is my car leaking? Did it rain last night and I left my window down? No. And anyway that wouldn’t be the top of my skirt. Is the steering wheel wet? No. Oh what is this? I have wet on my jacket too? Did my milk spill? No. It’s not milk. Orange Juice? Orange juice. When did my orange juice spill? Is the cup leaking? No. What? And that’s as much as I’ve been able to figure out. It appears that I somehow dumped like 4 ounces of orange juice on my jacket and it poured down onto my skirt. And I didn’t notice myself doing this somehow. Fortunately you can’t see it on my skirt or jacket and it didn’t seep through to my white blouse! Phew! But I do now smell faintly of orange. It’s not a bad thing I guess. And I feel super adorable despite the orange scented skirt and jacket because "Jenn" did my hair and it is basically the cutest thing ever. Observe:

So despite the orange juice debacle I am having a pretty sweet day. Not to mention we had Chili Verde and I spoke to the new love of my life. And I looked and smelled pretty good. Wink-face.

And just for the record and to ease the minds of those of you who may be worried let me state that I love orange juice and this incident has not hurt our relationship in the slightest. Orange Juice, worry not. I will still drink you at least once a day. My day would feel wrong without you.

Hi kids, I'm Back!

2010-10-18T18:37:00.014-06:00

I say that in my best Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Kimball in Kindergarten Cop voice. What does this mean? This means I am out of my slump. I am back in the New York Groove. I'm firing on all cylinders. Heck! I'm freaking fantastic! Why? Because I have found something to really look forward to.

This morning when I came into work "Jenn" told me about an audition for my dream role. Now honestly most everyone who knows me says that I am pretty much the real life version of Tracy Turnblad...and they're right. And I have always wanted to be Tracy. And in November there are going to be two auditions at two different theaters for Hairspray. Odds are that I will get one of them right? Right? Right. So not only would I get to be Tracy...my dream role. And get to sing "Mama I'm a Big Girl Now" and "Good Morning Baltimore" and "I Can Hear the Bells". BUT I would also KISS the gentleman who is playing Link Larkin! That's right...I'd finally kiss someone too. I mean sure it would just be a stage kiss...but at this point I'm counting it.

So I have you know a while to prepare and get ready for the big audition. Anyone have ideas of what I could sing? Just so you know...I'll rock whatever you throw my way...

So when I tell y'all that I am Tracy...anyone who actually knows me should come see me in my super fabulous play.

And if I for some reason don't get it...expect my blog to become completely morose.

Is there a Doctor in the house?

2010-10-11T08:00:00.016-06:00

I have a boyfriend. His name is Dr Pepper. I love Dr Pepper SOOOOOO much. It is a problem. You see Dr Pepper is not a human. Dr Pepper is a caffeinated carbonated soda with 23 flavors of delicious. Dr Pepper is the best. But also bad for you. And addictive. I am addicted to Dr Pepper. And not just in the “oh the caffeine” I get a headache when I don’t drink it kind of way…but also an emotional addiction.

The Story of Us

Dr Pepper and I met when I was but a young girl. When I was in elementary school he was a family friend and we’d be together during social functions like parties and just the occasional no occasion drink. But when I new years came around when I was twelve my family and I decided that Dr Pepper (and all of his relatives) were just not a good fit with our family and we swore them off for a year. It was not a big deal since Dr Pepper and I were only casual acquaintances. When that year was over Dr Pepper and I didn’t really keep in touch. Over the years we’d see each other at social events and it was like old times but we only ever met if someone else brought Dr Pepper. Then a couple years ago Dr Pepper and I went to every movie together. It started out as I needed someone to help me through midnight movies. And then we had a steady movie-going relationship. Then on Tuesdays at work I’d struggle and I’d call on Dr Pepper to get me through the day. And now over time, our relationship has progressed to where we are with each other nearly every day. It’s love.

Sadly however, like most addictions Dr Pepper has led to more hard-core beveraging. That’s right. I’m now into Dublin Dr Pepper. I know. I know. You’re shocked and appalled. Me too. It costs nearly two dollars for 8 oz of the stuff. That’s like 50¢ per ounce! It’s ridiculous. And yet so delicious. It’s pure cane sugar…not this high fructose corn syrup nonsense. Pfft. Although mostly I still drink the cheap stuff, it is becoming quite pricey.

My love for Dr Pepper is becoming a major problem. First of all I’m now dependant on the stuff to make it through a day of work or else I just slump there. Second I can just feel myself ballooning because of how many calories there are in each ounce. Third I’m beginning to spend more money on soda than I have in recent past spent on iTunes so I’m becoming very un-thrift. And finally if I’m going to run a half marathon I can’t do it with an IV of Dr Pepper.

So. I am swearing off the stuff. That’s right. Dr Pepper and I are breaking up and going our separate ways. At least until after January. Now I’m not saying I won’t slip up and in a state of sleep deprivation induced desperation turn to the pep Dr Pepper gives…but I’m never going to rely on Dr Pepper so much again. We had a good run but like all good things our co-dependent relationship must come to end. It’s time for me to move on. Water, here I come.

Because This Makes Me Happy

2010-10-11T06:55:00.001-06:00

The best song ever. Sung by one of my JoBros. Written for a Disney Channel Original Movie. With really cute lyrics. Made even cuter...with really cute graphics. Yay for the person who made this video. Am I a dork because this made my day? Nah. So I thought I'd share this with you because this makes me happy.

Better with Age

2010-10-10T13:50:00.002-06:00

I have recently found myself in movies with my friend “Lisa” and only those lucky folks who get discounts just by virtue of having been alive long enough. Honestly for the past 3 or 4 movies we have gone to see, it has been “Lisa”, me and about 30 senior citizens. I’m not sure why this has happened. The movies we go to see are not On Golden Pond or Cocoony. They are regular movies. And we go at a moderately late time too. But at any rate that’s not the real point. The real point is that I believe there is rampant polygamy and polyandry among our nation’s elderly. There are no couples. Only one old man with his golden girls or one old lady with her grumpy old men. It’s actually quite amazing. And disturbing. Especially when the old lady is holding both old men’s hands. WHAT?! Granny’s got game! Honestly I don’t really know how to describe the sheer awesome of seeing some pimp old lady cuddling on two old men at the same time. It was honestly the coolest thing ever. So to be perfectly honest…I’m excited to go to the movies again and see how many senior elimi-dates there are going on.

It's Curtains For You, buster!

2010-10-06T15:48:00.000-06:00

Ever since I was, oh, seven or so I have lived in a house with shower doors. Shower doors are totally awesome. They hold your towel on the outside so it’s nice and dry and ready for you. And can hold your washcloth on the inside. And the steamy upper portions that do not touch water makes an excellent scratch paper for all your shower time math needs. Not to mention preventing water from splashing all over the floor.

So when I go on vacation and I am forced to shower where there is a shower CURTAIN…it is something I am not used to. And I HATE it. How do people live like this? First of all who had the brilliant idea that a sheet would be the best way to contain water? Honestly the shower curtain always leaks all over the place. Granted, I am not a professional shower curtainist so I could just have poor shower curtain placement technique but honestly closing a door is much easier and more effective.

Also does the shower curtain lean in and try to attack other people? Or am I just like super attractive to the creeper plastic curtain? Because the curtain will not stay draped gently to the side of the tub…oh no it will not! It wafts toward me like it has some fiendish intent.

And shower curtains that are closed always just feel like someone is creepering on the other side. When I go into a bathroom with a drawn shower curtain, I always have to check and make sure that no one is lurking behind the curtain. And while showering I am constantly nervous that someone is just outside the shower. It’s just creepy.

And hair! I have long dark hair…and I shed like a cat in the early summer. Plastic just attracts hair so by the time I’m done with my shower there is an entire wigs worth of hair accumulated along the plastic curtain. And it’s revolting.

This would be the shower they'd make me use in hell...a wrap around curtain...

In summation, I highly recommend everyone invest in shower doors. They are just better.

The Pinkness

2010-09-29T12:12:00.002-06:00

Public bathrooms smell not nice most of the time. This is just a basic fact of life. I work in a building with public bathrooms. The ladies on my floor have decided to wage a war on this fact of life. For the past 6 or so months someone has been bringing in a Febreeze spray can. It was remarkable. The bathroom didn’t smell not nice any longer. It was as though someone said “life is better now.” And then…one day the Febreeze ran out. There was no can of scent fixing goodness. But don’t worry my dear readers, the next day someone brought in a new can. We had fresh laundry lilac or something scented spray. It was the best. Then about two weeks ago it ran out. And we were living in a land of not nice smelling public bathrooms. Then on Monday someone brought one of those plug-in scent things. It’s pink. And the bathroom smells like Barbie. It’s awful. I instantly feel like I’m going to be attacked by ruffles and frills. Not only does it smell like Barbie but it oozes so much scent that the bathroom tastes like Barbie and makes my eyes sting with the Barbieness. Also it doesn’t smell nice. It doesn’t smell not nice. But it is not a pleasant lovely smell like the fresh lilac laundry smell of olde. Basically I just want to got back to the pretty world of laundry and lilacs and leave this gaudy world of hot pink scented torment.

Can you see the haze of pink scent?

Being Hated

2010-09-27T16:44:00.000-06:00

A while back my job description changed. It is not a raise, nor a demotion. It’s just a change to a different position within my same office. Upside of this position: I don’t ever have to talk on the phone, I no longer need to whine about how annoying the people on the phone are, I was restored to my original large and beautiful cubicle, and I’m the only person doing what I’m doing so that’s job security. Downside of this position: I am DESPISED by one of the ladies at work. She is in fact the Death Wisher of Me.

Why does she hate me so much you ask? Well, it’s because my new job is to scan in all of our old documents into the computer and we will eventually get rid of the paper documents and stop archiving those papers. Evidently, this equates to murdering babies in her mind. She HATES me. In the mornings, I feel the icy-chill of death wishes emanating from her cubicle as I walk by. I say “hello” and all I get in return are death glares.

I was speaking with “Jenn” about this lady the other day. “Jenn” had been working with some scanned documents and the DWoM got very frustrated and grumpy with “Jenn” because she didn’t feel the scanned documents were correct. “Jenn” said the DWoM treated her like a bad person. I remarked that while DWoM may think “Jenn” is a bad person…that the DWoM treats me like I am the great satan. I also spoke to my boss regarding the DWoM, he advised against being alone in a stairwell with DWoM. We would have laughed had it not been such a sincere warning.

So I ask, how does one react to being loathed?

Why I Haven't Blogged In A While aka Seriously?

2010-09-16T14:48:00.000-06:00

Hello readers! I know I’ve been silent for a while. Let me explain why. I have experienced minor trauma/drama so I have not been in any condition to blog.

Several weeks ago I went to pick up a sandwich from Keith the Cookie Maker. I was so excited. I got ready that morning and put on make up because I knew that I would be seeing him that day. So I was really ready. But then when I went into the Deli tragedy struck. It was as though I had been shot through the heart. KEITH HAS GROWN A GROSS GOATEE. I know. I couldn’t believe it myself. And what’s worse…he cut his curly hair to really short so his gross goatee is longer than his hair. It was very upsetting. I was not even attracted to him! Me! I wasn’t attracted to KtCM! Pure madness. I mean in the words of everyone on Grey’s Anatomy…”Seriously? Seriously!” I just have to ask the men of the blogiverse…Why do you insist on ruining yourself with weirdly sculpted facial hair. You are not an English shrub. Why do you want topiary on your face? And to you women out there who occasionally think weird beards and goatees and flavor savers are attractive…what are you thinking? Bleargh. I mean don’t get me wrong I appreciate the rugged handsomeness of scruff just as much as the next person. And occasionally there is a man like Tom Selleck who can pull off the moustache. But pretty much every time facial hair is a BAD choice. So seeing my beloved KtCM defile himself in such a manner, well I sent me through a loop.

Then once I recovered from that I went on a mini-trip with my friends. Mostly it was fun. We played laser tag and ended up meeting a horde of little boys (I say little boys because they were all like 19 and too young for me) but I totally loved one of them. He knew Flash Gordon. So naturally love was there on my side. They also followed us to where we were staying and pull a prank on us the next night…so it was sort of a fun little trip friendship. BUT when we were on our trip I had a major epiphany. It came to me while “Anne” and I were dying and abandoned by the rest of our so called friends as we were being forced to scramble up Death Mountain. After “Anne” had nearly fainted and I felt the panic of needing to drag an unconscious woman down a mountain unattended by anyone (since we were stranded), I realized that I am an indoorsy girl. And as such…I really need to find a man who likes indoorsy girls. (While we’re at it…explain to me why people like getting sweaty and gross climbing up a mountain when it is 110 degrees outside. I don’t get it.)

Once I had recovered from the anxiety of the trip and loving a boy who was far too young for me, one of my guy friends and I were talking about getting set up on dates. He mentioned that he only wanted to go if he saw a picture and if the girl were “cute enough”. Well basically I flew off the handle at him because I think that is rude and jerk-faced. And then he and I wound up discussing me. So I give you his thoughts on me:

“You know that I think you are hiding a good-looking you, remember how I said that?” “You have nice hair.” “You aren’t completely appalling.” “You aren’t really unattractive.” “Your skin looks nice.”

Seriously? Seriously! After listening to all these…I’ll just say “critiques” I was about ready to jump off a bridge. It really hurt my feelings. Jerk head. I mean…who wants to be told that they aren’t you know revolting but if they just did this, this, this, and this THEN they would be decent. No one, that’s who.

Then once I recovered from that experience, I went with a couple of my gal pals to a hang out with this fraternity. Basically it was fun. We played pudding pictionary and my team won (of course). And there was this total dreamboat who was wearing plaid. (Plaid is my kryptonite…I’m helpless against it.) I spent the majority of the night thinking Oh Plaid Guy…please speak to me. But I couldn’t really think of an organic way to meet him so I didn’t. After it was over he said “Who wants to help clean dishes?” And I said, “I LOVE to clean dishes” in a funny way. He laughed. And I was like Okay…nice. So I said “So do you really want help with those dishes.” No response. But there were other people talking and, ya know, maybe he didn’t hear me so I said, “Ummm do you really need some help washing those dishes…” no response…”okay boy whose name I don’t know that’s not listening to me…” And then he turns around with like a crazy laugh (like unstable clown crazy laugh) and says that his name is “Jordan.” And I ask one more time if he really wants help with those dishes. He doesn’t say anything just sort of keeps up the crazy laugh thing. And I turn around and say to my ladies…”Actually, I’m good.” And we leave. Seriously “Jordan”? Seriously! If you’re going to be a total babe don’t be crazy laugh guy. I’m reminded of Barney Stinson’s Hot Crazy Scale.

Sweet “Jordan” you were so cute…and then so crazy.

Now that I have recovered from all these events…I intend to blog more diligently.

And then there was Jared...

2010-08-25T18:40:00.001-06:00

So...it was a crap day. Until "Jenn" and I went to Jamba Juice. And Jared was there and just made my day great. We got out of my car and "Jenn" says, "Jared totally saw you just now." I laughed. We went in and he said, "I've already got [the other Jamba employee] making yours." And, sure enough, he did. Then he said "I had him put in an energy boost. I hope that's okay." It was. And then he didn't charge me the 50 cents for my extra strawberries! He just gave them to me for free! FREE! And he was so Jaredy and happy to see me (and "Jenn") that it just restored all the joy I had lost earlier. Yay for Jared!
PS My Jamba was delish too!

Late last night, while I was home in bed...

2010-08-25T07:29:00.003-06:00

Last night was terrible. I woke up probably eight times and each time (for whatever reason) I was positive there was a person in my room. For obvious reasons, it was very disconcerting. But that’s not too uncommon for me and I could totally have handled that. The room phantasm only mad last night meh. No, no, last night was terrible because of my last dream. Dreams affect me a lot. My dreams are intensely real, they carry on and segue into the next night so I’m never left with a cliff-hanger dream…I just go back to sleep. And my dreams affect my real life and visa versa. (Example: I was really mad at my friend because she was being kind of wretched to me. I had a dream where she was being wretched to me and I called her an expletive…the next morning, I was over being mad at her. My dream released my anger and so I was happy.) So naturally my dream last night (regardless of what it was…) would have had an affect on me. Which is really bad since it was a nightmare.

I woke up from my bad night sleep of paranoia and got ready for work. I changed my clothes, fixed my hair, brushed my teeth, found my keys, drove in my car, and I was running late so I parked in the metered parking. After putting my money in the meter I turn around to head into work. But three homeless men (three of the four homeless men who exist around my job) whose names in my dream were Mitch, Stan, and Daryl, came up to me. Now I’m not too afraid of homeless people especially not on a busy street in the morning when people are arriving to work. I figure if you’re just nice but not too nice and just keep on your way they aren’t going to cause you any trouble. My theories on homeless relations were shattered. Those three homeless men proceeded to assault me. And I was just there on the sidewalk screaming over and over for help. And no one stopped to help me. People even walked by but no one stopped to help. It was the most awful thing ever. After the homeless men left, my friend from work (“Jill”) found me on the sidewalk and took me inside and tended to me. I asked my boss if I could go home for the rest of the day…and he was thinking about it…when

I woke up. The relief of knowing it was a dream was unbelievable. But I still woke up crying. And have been fighting back more tears all morning. I am unbelievably shaken. When I parked my car, I was scared to get out. Thankfully none of our homeless men were out there because I don’t think I could have handled seeing them. I honestly would have thrown up. And I’m actually a little bit wary of just regular non-homeless men. I got in the elevator with some guy and I was freaking out a little bit.

So basically I have had a terrible night. It looks like I’m going to have a terrible day. And I am so worried about tonight when my dream either continues or segues into a different dream. Please PLEASE let it segue.

Because This Makes Me Happy

2010-08-18T14:19:00.000-06:00

Since I have to park all the f away and since I cannot be later than 2 minutes early to work without getting into trouble, I find myself parking in the meters for the first hour of every business day. Then for my morning break, I drive my car to Cartagena and walk back to work. It’s a tremendously exciting event. (Not)

However, today the walk back was totally awesome. There were some fireman down the road a wee bit and they had opened a fire hydrant. Why firemen do this sometimes is something I just don’t know. What I do know is that some firemen did this once to the fire hydrant by where I lived and it was the most awesome thing that ever happened. So today as I was walking on my way back (in my dress), I walked splashily through the hydrant water and had a marvelous time. And the rest of my day thus far has been fantastic.

Moral of this story: whenever possible pretend like you are a child from a borough in New York City and play in hydrant water. It will make your life awesome.

Going Bust

2010-08-11T16:03:00.001-06:00

Ever since, well, puberty I have been what you would call rather chesty. It's a curse I got from my mother. The girls with the flat fronts always say they wish they were more endowed, but honestly it's just a huge pain in the back. Literally. Back pain. It's the worst. Stand for 30 minutes...back pain. Walk for 30 minutes...back pain. Sleep for 30 minutes...back pain. Sit in the same position for 30 minutes...back pain. Any way the point of this was not to complain. No. "What IS the point?" you ask. Well today I was playing with niece 2 and she has decided to call me "Amboob." That's right. AMBOOB. It is the funniest thing ever! She's only 15 months old!

PS If you ever call me "Amboob," I will break you.

The Politics of Parking

2010-08-10T17:56:00.001-06:00

At my place of business we have a parking hierarchy. Newer employees park about a block a way and the most senior employees park inside the building, with various parking promotions along the way. If four people senior to me die, quit, get fired, or start taking the bus then I get to park under the building.

This is a diagram of the parking.

Is where everyone wants to park. It’s in the building. It’s temperature controlled. It’s covered parking. It’s prestigious.
Is where I currently park. It’s a giant outdoor parking lot. Located just behind our building.
Is where I used to park. But we stopped being allowed to park in the parking complex and now must park in the scorching tropical sun.
Is where I parked before C. It is another outdoor parking lot. Just across the street. So it’s not too bad.
The outdoor parking lot where the newest employees park. It is like hazing. Because you park so far away.

They are now kicking me out of B. It wasn’t enough being forced from the love that was C. But two other ladies and I are being banished from B to a new place. We’ll call it F. Let me update the diagram.

Now I don’t know if you can tell. BUT F IS ALL THE WAY IN SPAIN. And in the meantime, we can’t walk from behind our building to get to B before they move us to F…no, no, we have to walk AROUND the block…clockwise…to get to B from my job. I feel like quitting. I won’t but dangit…where is the justice when the parking hierarchy has been destroyed in such a manner. I cry “VENGEANCE!” Who’s with me?

The Best Looking Man In the World

2010-08-10T16:00:00.000-06:00

WOW. That's all I have to say. ABC Family way to find the best looking man in the world and put him on one of your highly addictive and highly trashy shows. He is fantastic. The man is Ian Harding.

I feel like the heavens are going "AAAAH" in revelation. He is so amazing. In the show (Pretty Little Liars) he plays are straight-laced high school English teacher who happens to be in love with one of his students. Oh well. He is beautiful. I can imagine nothing more attractive that a tall, dark-haired, blue-eyed wonder. There he is. He is a perfect mixture of Tom Welling and James Marsden. What could be better than that?

That's my kind of arithmetic.

Do you think there's anyway we could get him to give me my first kiss?

Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite

2010-08-06T00:12:00.003-06:00

So...I was just getting ready for bed just now. The lights are all off, I'm already in my bed, and I'm tending to the last of my sleep time rituals. I was casually looking at my phone, reading stuff, setting my alarm, etc. When suddenly, a kamikaze demon insect comes flying right at my head. All I hear is the BZZZZZ of little creepy wings flapping like those of a hell-bat. Naturally, I flip out ("Goooeeeeaaaaguuuuuaeeaaa") and jump quickly out of my bed to turn on the lights and find the intruder and kill it. When I turn on the lights, what do I find? A dead bug. A brown fly. A dead brown fly that decided to spend its last moments on Earth freaking me out by buzzing my ear. What the heck, Fly? What the heck? I can only see two possible explanations. Either a.) this fly was a terrible practical joker or b.) my flip out noise was so terrifying and horrendous that it gave the fly a heart attack. You decide.

Ode to My Love

2010-08-04T14:56:00.000-06:00

Evils

2010-08-04T11:25:00.002-06:00

I have been thinking about this for a long time. A LONG time. Since the eighth grade in fact. And it’s time I said something. Otherwise…you’ll never get another blog out of me.

sending MESSAGES INSTEAD OF TALKING is straight from THE DEVIL himself.

Now don’t get me wrong. I love them. I love texting. I love instant messages. I love e-mail. When I was eleven I loved going to chatrooms with groups of my friends and just saying funny things. (Don’t worry we never talked to strangers privately.)
But I can pretty much blame every problem I have ever had on my using one of these mediums to communicate. Because it really takes a lot of cajones to say something in person (or even on the phone) but, honestly, there’s hardly any immediate fallout from a message. It seems safe and cushy and hardly real. And that’s the problem. It’s not real. But it affects things that are real.

I was reading an article the other day about something very similar. Basically it said that Satan really tries to make us do things as virtually as possible because it’s just as destructive to our spirits and also takes away the whole point of having a body.

What are you talking about, Amber? I don’t know. Just hear me out.

Well okay so I don’t really have any like big examples but I first started thinking judgment was skewed while not seeing the person or even hearing the person in Junior High. When I told “Thomas” that I liked “John.” Why in the world would I have done that? “Thomas” and I weren’t that close of friends. Basically it was from a messenger induced inebriation. What resulted of this confession? Nothing good. “Thomas” told “John” and “John” was not at all excited that I liked him and said something and pretended to staple himself in the head to show his displeasure. Why do I know this is what went down? Because “Thomas” told me over messenger that is what happened. If “Thomas” and I had been speaking instead of messengering I feel certain this would not have ever been disclosed.

More recently I was texting my dear friend and he said something kind of peculiar. He said something about wanting to go on a date to see if we could maybe like each other as “like more than friends”. Before you being to SQUEEEE with delight, know that he wasn’t interested in me romantically. He had simply found out that I was once interested in him romantically and was wondering if I would be again. We met and had dinner, decided friendship was our path, and then we were good. That is until I texted him and was like “Maybe you should try liking me because I think I might like you again a little.” UMMMMM HELLO, AMBER, ARE YOU CRAZY?! (In my defense, my brothers-in-law (2 and 3) and their wives were like “Text him. Do it.” And in their defense we were at my Grandmother’s viewing and were not thinking straight. Oh and did I mention that I texted him WHILE HE WAS ON A DATE WITH SOMEONE! Terrible idea.) And then basically I didn’t hear from him. It was awesome. (Boo. Not really awesome.) Then we had a phone chat and we patched things up and now we’re good. Yay!

And then remember when I texted some other young man of my acquaintance a couple of months ago on my BIRTHDAY and said this “So I don’t know if you’ve worked this out or not but I like you and I’m just wondering if you might be interested in seeing if there is something here? Don’t worry about making me mad or anything like that…I’m honestly just asking you to just quietly ponder what you think. And as a special birthday present to me can you please make sure that we’re still friends after you’ve read this?”

AM I ON DRUGS? No, readers. I am not. I am just a victim of the message.

Though I suffer from word bulimia as a speaker, verbal communication is the far safer course. For when text/messengering I am a complete idiot.

What’s the lesson? Stick to blogging as my only form of communication.

Sparkling Essence

2010-07-19T11:04:00.002-06:00

Today at work I was innocently going about my business, when suddenly Boss 2 asked if “Jenn” and I wanted to try this drink his wife really likes. We, being the good sports and adventurous gals that we are, agreed to try this beverage. The beverage in question is R.W. Knudsen’s Sparkling Essence Organic Blueberry drink. The R.W. Knudsen website describes this drink as:

The subtle essence of whole organic blueberries meets the tingling sensation of effervescent spring water. This light and refreshing organic sparkling beverage offers pure spring water infused with sweet organic blueberries, but without any calories, added sugar, or artificial ingredients.

Just pure refreshment.

They lied. A while back I blogged about that horrible hazardous waste of a drink known as Sierra Mist. I never thought I would find a beverage more awful. I was so wrong…this drink was pure death. When “Jenn” and I tried the drink we immediately wanted to remove our throats and tongues from our bodies so we could be rid of the flavor. I remarked to “Jenn” that the drink tasted like liquid aspirin. She rightly remarked it was pure hydrochloric acid. We quickly took the remaining liquid to the nearest sink and dumped it down the drain, where we stayed long enough to hear the toxic contents of the can begin to eat away the pipes as it made it’s way back down to the sewer from whence it originally came.

A more accurate description of this beverage should read like this:

The subtle essence of whole ~~organic blueberries~~ death meets the ~~tingling~~ scorching sensation of ~~effervescent spring water~~ your esophagus dissolving. This ~~light~~ cruel and ~~refreshing~~ horrendous organic sparkling beverage offers pure ~~spring water infused~~ vengeance with sweet ~~organic blueberries~~ diabolic machinations, but without any calories, added sugar, or artificial ingredients (except for our man made acid).
Just pure ~~refreshment~~ HELL.

Once we were done disposing of the vile liquid, I sent an IM to my other boss:

Me: That’s just cruel. To have something so horrendous in such a beautiful can.
Boss 2: you tasted it too? and lived?

Me: Barely.

I imagine this is karmic pay-back for the chipmunk incident my friends and I had this weekend. So I suppose drinking poison is my just desserts. But honestly, NO ONE SHOULD EVER DRINK THIS! Although, I may want to recommend that you professional torturers out there keep some on hand in case you get tired of water-boarding and what not.

I Know What You Did Last Weekend

2010-07-19T10:56:00.000-06:00

I went on a mini-break with my friends this weekend. We went to a cabin, swam in a lake, rode 4-wheelers, played cabin games ( you know those games that aren’t fun enough that you’ll want to play them at home but are fun enough that you’ll want to play them with extended family since there is no television. Games like “Head of the Class” or “Therapy”…), and generally leisured around.
But we had an incident. On our way back from getting ice-cream, “Anne” was driving. We were laughing and having an all around good time, when without warning a poor tiny chipmunk darted in to the road. He darted right. He stopped. We swerved to left to try to avoid running him over. He darted left. I saw his little eyes. He looked as if he were saying “Annabel, my chipmunk wife, I will always love you. Let the kids know I did all I could and love them too.” And then…THUMP. THUMP. All of the girls in the car screamed. “Anne” and I were hysterical. And that was the end of the life of Charlie Chipmunk.

Charlie Chipmunk

April 2008 – July 2010

On July 17, 2010 Charlie was searching for food to bring back to his wife Annabel who is expecting another litter this month, when he crossed the black hard river. After just passing the yellow islands, a silver beast came along and ended his life in a tragic accident.
Charlie lived a simple life. He was born to parents Angus and Roberta Chipmunk in April of 2008 the oldest of a litter of 6 chipmunks. Like most baby chipmunks he started his life the size of a bumblebee and hairless, but quickly he grew and got his stripes within 7 days, earlier than his siblings whose stripes did not appear until the eighth day. During his growth to adulthood Roberta often remarked how kind and intelligent young Charlie was. Once it came time for Charlie to make it on his own, he thrived. He spent his days eating snails, slugs, larvae of insects, worms, frogs, mice, small birds, acorns, berries, fruits, seeds and, his favorite, nuts. He stored food well and was always done with his storage long before the winter months came. Once his own storage was done he was always willing to aid the other chipmunks in their gathering. He met his wife, Annabel, in the fall of 2008, after they both had just been weaned. They were both picking berries from the same plant when they fell in love. Charlie spent the rest of that gathering season helping Annabel with her storage. In the spring of 2009 they welcomed their first litter of 3 baby chipmunks (Clarence, Charlie Jr, and Julia) into their family. Later that year in August they welcomed 5 more into their den (Natalia, Gretchen, Beth, Thomas, and Harold). It was a happy time for the Chipmunks. Later that fall tragedy struck while Charlie and young Beth were searching for some snails. As they searched a hawk came and took baby Beth away. Charlie did all he could to find his baby girl but the hawk left him injured. He was missing for 3 days. When Charlie finally did arrive home, Annabel was devastated with the loss of their child but was grateful Charlie came through alright. In the spring of 2010 they welcomed a litter of only 2 babies both of whom were stillborn. Charlie spent the remainder of his days gathering and providing for his den.
Charlie is survived by his wife Annabel, 7 children, and 43 grandchipmunks.
He is preceded in death by his parents, Angus and Roberta, and baby daughter Beth.
In lieu of slugs, the family asks that you send huckleberries to Charlie’s favorite organization “The Tree For Cripple Chipmunk Children.”

Things I Learned From Movies

2010-07-12T15:10:00.000-06:00

While re-watching a little show I love called Cranford last night, I made a few startling discoveries about my life. The most startling of which is that I am Miss Octavia Pole. (The only other major discovery is that “Mike” is Dr Harrison. Poor bloke…) But as it stands I am Miss Pole. Here are some examples of why.

1. She is by far the biggest gossip EVER.

"Put no further pastries to your lips for you will choke when you hear the news I must report. This is more preposterous and shocking than when Wormald's lions came and the little child's arm was bit clean off."

2. She is completely obsessed with stupid things.

"This is no occasion for sport! There is LACE at stake."

3. Despite having no experience with them, I feel I am a true authority on men and relationships.

"Men! They are all the same! They know everything about everything, save, when it is to happen and how it can be stopped. My father was a man. I think I understand the sex."

Basically I’m a completely ridiculous person. BUT I am super hilarious. And totally kind hearted. GO ME!

Name That Movie Game

2010-07-06T16:25:00.000-06:00

I think this is terrible. Not as bad as Peter Pan...but still....pretty darn bad.

Hint: "Welcome to Earth!"

Grrrrrrr

2010-06-24T17:51:00.000-06:00

I am a human being. (For now.) And as a human being, I get annoyed. I wouldn’t say I’m overly irritable, except for sometimes. But there is one person that talks to me on a regular basis who sometimes (most times) makes me want to pull out my hair, poke out my eyes, cut off my ears, and rip of my arms because this person is so irritating. The reason I’m blogging about this is…I want to know what I have to do to make sure all of my body remains intact. I’ve tried being nice. I’ve tried being short. The only thing I haven’t done is be outright MEAN…and I’m not going to do that. Do I just have to take this? I mean, when my every response is “Yuuup,” “Nope,” or “Mmmm,” isn’t that the universal code for “Leave me alone, you annoying person!” Also I feel bad that I totally just loathe being around this person. It’s rude…and I don’t think I’m naturally rude. (Not true. I am naturally rude. But I stopped being rude as best I could, and I think I’m habitually kind.) So really blogosphere…help. What should I do?

2010-06-24T08:33:00.009-06:00

More than anything else in the history of the world, more than any other food I could possibly dream of...right now I want to eat this:

The Whole Rotisserie Chicken

The food of Kings. Also, I would most like to eat this delight at The Tournament of Kings in Las Vegas.Where I could watch jousting and pretend to drink my ale and say "More, Wench!" (Or man-wench...I'm not sexist. I don't care who brings me my chicken. As long as I get a chicken.) And yes, I know that "a whole rotisserie chicken is a strange thing to want to eat for breakfast" but...I do, so buy me one!

The Nature of Things

2010-06-23T18:07:00.003-06:00

Lately, my friends and I have been outside people. Meaning that we keep doing things outside. I blame myself for allowing this. And since we have spent so much of our time outdoors…I am a sunburned-mosquito-bitten monster. I feel like I look like Eric Stoltz. But not like the-prettiest-man-alive-Some-Kind-of-Wonderful-“This-is-my-chhhuuurch” Eric Stoltz, but Mask Eric Stoltz. Thank heavens they decided to not have lunch at my work today like they usually do or The Cookie Maker would have seen me in this state. I think I’m going to have to put an end to this nonsense. Plus, what’s so great about outside? In my opinion, nothing at all. All you have outside is nature. And Nature is not my buddy. This is what I hate about Nature:

Breezes. They make the nape hair just brush and irritate my neck.
Dirt. It gets everywhere.
Grass. Regardless of what I’m doing I always get a grass stain. Also because of those little insects that live in the grass and then they go crazy and attack every time you take a step.
Birds. They are in Nature. And I HATE birds.
Sunburns. In my life, I don’t think I’ve had a year when I wasn’t really REALLY lobster sunburned.
Trees. They always throw up or shed or whatever it is trees do on you.
It is impossible to be out side and not have some twig or branch or bug or some foreign object in your hair. (Much like it’s impossible for “Mike” to eat anything and not end up with some on his face.)
Bugs.
Cold. I don’t care if it’s 200 degrees outside. When the sun goes down…it’s freezing.

That’s all I’m going to say because I’m actually just getting irritated right now thinking about it. But real fast I’ll mention campfire smell. Oh and Chunk in Goonies hates nature too…so…yeah, it’s what smart people do.

The 23 Flavors of Me

2010-06-22T17:49:00.000-06:00

Like my favorite beverage I believe I consist of 23 flavors. Here are the said flavors in no particular order:

Ennui Hunger Passion Verbose Movies
Sassy Dr Pepper Sensitive Romantic Protective
Chocolate Forlorn Conviction Grumpy Beauty Dramatic
Sweet Exhausted Hilarious Bubbly
Square Excited Witty

Ebb and Flow

2010-06-21T17:50:00.000-06:00

Time. It's a funny thing. When something SUCKS it seems like the time takes forever. And when something is awesome...usually it's over in the blink of an eye. This day has lasted 105 years. I am now 127 years old. I think I look pretty good for my age, if I do say so myself. But in all seriousness, this long horrible day reminded me of a "Reading Section" of a Standardized Test I took once back in middle school. This was part of the story:

A minute seems like no time at all when you're eating ice cream, but can feel like an eternity if a cow is standing on your foot.

Honestly what ever person wrote that gem...deserves a prize. It has stuck with me all these years. And still gives me a little chuckle whenever I think of it. And I think of it often.

Because This Makes Me Happy

2010-06-17T17:27:00.000-06:00

I've had a rough June. I usually do. Maybe it's because it's my birth month and I have residual trauma from being born. Or maybe it's because I've gone through another year and still have nothing in my life that's at all awesome (aside from this blog). At any rate I've had a tough June. And I was driving in the rain and my car hydroplaned and almost side-swiped a semi-truck. Don't worry, Tilly and I are fine because I'm a great driver, but it was SO scary. (Side note: when that happened all I said was, "Holy Moses. Holy Moses. Holy Moses. Holy Moses. Holy Moses." Which I found amusing after the fact.) Any who, I've been trying to think of things that make me happy. Sadly, most of my happy things are media based. BUT it inspired me to start a new segment on my blog called...Because This Makes Me Happy. Ta-Dah! So here we go...

When Steve Carrell in Dan in Real Life says "This corn is like an angel."

Ch Ch Ch Changes

2010-06-16T15:23:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. And it's stressing me out. I'm like 7 percent certain that I am slowly becoming a vampire. For the past month or so I have basically stopped sleeping at night. I am SUPER pallid. I can smell blood from a mile away. Food does not taste good to me at all. I just constantly feel like I am dying of thirst. I feel like I'm getting super buff and I'm not even doing any thing. I hate the sun. When I am outside in the sun, I feel like my eyeballs are going to explode. And randomly the other day somebody touched my skin and they were sparkly after. For Pete's sake I have sparkly skin. I hope when I become a full fledged vampire I'm a totally hardcore one like Spike from Buffy or The Count from Sesame Street.

Workplace No-Nos

2010-06-15T17:56:00.000-06:00

Every job has taboo things. My job recently banned facebook. So now while I am up front waiting for people to walk in or waiting for the phone to ring, I can no longer look and see if the boy I lurve is chatting up some girl on his facebook wall. Sad face. But on a bright note...my only resort really is blogging. Which should bode well for my faithful few. (That means you Lindsey) Any who that got me thinking about a few of the taboo things at work whether they come down from management or whether they are the undefined social niceties of work. So here is a quick list of some:
1. Facebook
2. Going to get something to eat on break without asking other people if they want something.
3. Laughter*
4. Singing*
5. T-Shirts with stuff on them
6. Sweatshirts
7. Listening to music above a whisper
8. Miniskirts (but that is not even close to a problem for me, obviously)
9. Jeans (except for Thursday...which is my favorite day.)
10. Facial piercings with jewelry (once again not a problem for me)
11. The HR stuff to make sure no one gets sued.
12. Being late. (as is discussed here)
*I'm serious about these two. I got in trouble because I laughed (not loudly) and like sing-songily said hello to someone.

and well even I got tired of this list. But you get my point. And I'm sure you all have those things at your place of business as well. For example, I have three friends that work together. And apparently I am much discussed among the three of them while they are at work. In fact, their boss (let's call him "Dave") has banned me from being mentioned at work anymore. How cool is that? I'm a total rock star. I'm like Harry Potter, or Facebook, or The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, or The Beatles, or Elvis. I've been banned. Take that other humans...I'm totally taboo.

Things I Learned From Movies

2010-06-14T15:50:00.000-06:00

"Johnny Lingo had 8 cow, trade it for an ugly wife. Johnny Lingo's married now, he'll be sorry all his life."

I am a movie person. And as such movies have really shaped my life. This short film really helped shape my self image as a child. However not how you'd think. This movie did NOT make me think "Oh man you're so great." Or "it's what's inside that counts." What I got out of this movie was "Once you get a man you'll be a total babe." You see after the traumatic skating rink incident in the fifth grade, I always felt sure I was just unlikable. I thought "MahAmber you ugly." And really that's all that mattered. I considered myself an 1/8 cow woman. And whenever any one was like "Oh I'm sure boys like you," I would think to myself...

"They mock me."

But since that time I have discovered...I'm freaking AMAZING. I mean have you been reading my blog? I'm awesome. Plus I was watching home videos of myself...and I'm hilarious in person too. Basically all I'm saying is though I completely missed the point of this movie as a kid, I get it now. And I'd have to say that I probably would be a 9 cow wife. Maybe 9 and the horn and tail of a tenth.

Here is the movie in all it's glory on youtube.

PS Once she's all "hot", Mahana looks like Tiger Woods kind of.

Regarding Oatmeal

2010-06-02T13:19:00.000-06:00

I hate oatmeal. Everyone knows that. Or at least everyone who has faithfully read my blog. However, today I had a revaltion. One of the ladies at work (let's call her Jill) made some oatmeal for me and it was, dare I say it, delicious. I didn't feel like I was eating soggy clumps of bread. I just felt like I was eating delicious. Okay that's not true. It was okay but there was still a little bit of a texture problem for me. BUT I've been choking down clumps of soggy, rubbery bread for the past several months and today it had more the texture of poorly made instant mashed potatoes...which is definitely an improvement.
What did she do you ask? She heated up the water and poored the hot water onto the oatmeal while she stirred. I was operating by pooring in water and then heating up the water oatmeal mix in the microwave and then smooshing the glop around. Which more often than not resulted in a rubberized mass that looked something akin to artificial vomit. Not good.
But that is all behind me now. I have seen the instant oatmeal light and it is not repulsive. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's not half bad.

Things I Learned From Movies

2010-05-10T23:00:00.000-06:00

LESSON TWO:

"One of the benefits of being a young lady is it's not up to you. It's up to the young man."

If you know what this line is from, then you are amazing and we are kindred spirits. This is from the classic film "Gidget." In the movie Francie "Gidget" Lawrence starts the show by going on a "man hunt" with her friends. She is reluctant at first but as she meets Moondoggie and she matures emotionally she begins to try to acquire and use some feminine wiles aka technique. Ultimately "after hours of concentrated effort [she] comes home as pure as the driven snow." So basically after all of her scheming and plotting for man-affection, it doesn't really do much good. (Okay, it does some good since Moondoggie does get jealous and fights his mentor for her honor...but that's not the point.) Gidget's mother delivers the line that is the basis for today's lesson. So what exactly does Gidget teach us...that scheming and technique are okay as first steps. But ultimately if you're going to "get pinned" or "go steady" the young man has to take charge. And that's a benefit. Because all young ladies need to do is just be around and fun and generally pleasant and appealing, and young men have to do all the hard scary work. Or at least that's how it should be.
So really the lesson is...young men, get some courage and take charge. Young ladies shouldn't have to take control.