The Nature of Things

Lately, my friends and I have been outside people. Meaning that we keep doing things outside. I blame myself for allowing this. And since we have spent so much of our time outdoors…I am a sunburned-mosquito-bitten monster. I feel like I look like Eric Stoltz. But not like the-prettiest-man-alive-Some-Kind-of-Wonderful-“This-is-my-chhhuuurch” Eric Stoltz, but Mask Eric Stoltz. Thank heavens they decided to not have lunch at my work today like they usually do or The Cookie Maker would have seen me in this state. I think I’m going to have to put an end to this nonsense. Plus, what’s so great about outside? In my opinion, nothing at all. All you have outside is nature. And Nature is not my buddy. This is what I hate about Nature:

1. Breezes. They make the nape hair just brush and irritate my neck.
2. Dirt. It gets everywhere.
3. Grass. Regardless of what I’m doing I always get a grass stain. Also because of those little insects that live in the grass and then they go crazy and attack every time you take a step.
4. Birds. They are in Nature. And I HATE birds.
5. Sunburns. In my life, I don’t think I’ve had a year when I wasn’t really REALLY lobster sunburned.
6. Trees. They always throw up or shed or whatever it is trees do on you.
7. It is impossible to be out side and not have some twig or branch or bug or some foreign object in your hair. (Much like it’s impossible for “Mike” to eat anything and not end up with some on his face.)
8. Bugs.
9. Cold. I don’t care if it’s 200 degrees outside. When the sun goes down…it’s freezing.

That’s all I’m going to say because I’m actually just getting irritated right now thinking about it. But real fast I’ll mention campfire smell. Oh and Chunk in Goonies hates nature too…so…yeah, it’s what smart people do.