Vindicated

There are very few things in life that make you do this:

But yesterday something so wonderful happened that it restored my faith in humanity,  the order of the universe, and made me do my best Judd Nelson impression.

Yesterday, as I parked in the far off place, I noticed a GIANT White Tahoe taking up TWO compact car spots on a crookedy angle on the first floor. In so doing the GWT was not only parking in MY spot (Note: parking spots are not truly assigned...but I park there nearly ninety percent of the time) but was also preventing an entirely different person from parking in their spot as well. Aside from the injustice of stealing the parking spaces of two hard working people, the driver was also clearly not driving a compact car.

This pissed me off. As I was walking I thought, "If I had some freaking paper I would write this guy a strongly worded letter telling him how vehemently I disapprove of this inconsiderate and self-absorbed behavior."
So here is the letter I drafted in my head while walking the 80 minutes to my job:

Dear Inconsiderate Jerk,
I'm sure you're aware you have parked in the COMPACT parking area. I am sure you are also aware that you are taking up two spaces. Unless you are disabled there is really no excuse for this behavior and demonstration in laziness. If I were a lesser person I would let the air out of your tires. Undoubtedly this is something a horrible person like you would do, but I am not a horrible person so this letter will have to suffice. I sincerely hope that in the future you will park like a responsible human being and like less of a douchebag. I further hope that you hit a pot hole on your way home.
Sincerely,
Everyone Who Has Walked By

Of course, I'd never really be rude enough to write that and stick it on someone's windshield. But it got all my anger out and I was able to move on with my day. 

When I walked to my car that night I had completely forgotten how incensed the GWT had made me. So when I entered the parking structure and saw it again...it was a cruel reminder of how awful some people are. But then the best thing ever happened that caused me to thrust my fist in the air...

That's right you a-hole! TICKET TIME FOR YOU!!!

And that is how I know that the world is a good and just place.

Vacate the Premises

My faithful readers will have noticed that I missed blogging all last week. This is because I was on vacation. In California. Let’s go through the highlights of the trip.

1. Flat tire. We were an hour into the trip when suddenly: POT HOLE. So two hours later, I’m a day park-hopping at Disneyland poorer and we are back on the road with 3 trusty tires and 1 new tire.
2. 6 to 7 hours of bumper to bumper traffic.
3. The island we were on flooded.
4. The power got knocked out.
5. It rained nearly the whole time.
6. 11 boys, 5 girls, one bathroom. 
7. The creepy old black and white photo of a little girl outside of my room.
8. I forgot my towel.
9. Sunburned forehead which led to a leprous forehead.
10. There was sand everywhere in the house.
11. I paid to NOT eat crab cakes.
12. Failing massively at boogey boarding.
13. Tar on the beach.
14. My car was kidnapped for several hours.
15. Then I was kidnapped in my car for half an hour.
16. The boy I have a little crushlette on called me “buddy” which is the worst!
17. The whale we paid to see fell asleep.
18. My bangs were driving me INSANE!
19. When I went for my mani-pedi the little mani-pedi ladies kept tricking me into getting more and more expensive upgrades.
20. My team lost in the NCAA tournament.
21. Bottom bunk in California where an earthquake is imminent, which could lead to being smooshed.
22. Pooped on by a bird. (To be fair “Lindsey” got most of the poop…but I still got a little on me too.)
23. Parking ticket.
24. Speeding ticket…an hour away from home.

That’s not to say the trip was all bad. Mostly it was fun. A lot of fun. And I made a bundle of new "buddies." But due to the unexpected expense of the tire and tickets the trip ended up costing me about 3 times more than I thought it would.

However, I did get some shampoo and conditioner that made your head feel minty fresh AND I was introduced to the fun-time that is playing Set. Also there was an olde-timey candy store that supplied me with enough Giant Pixie Stix to keep me happy for a long while yet.

I Know What You Did Last Weekend

I went on a mini-break with my friends this weekend. We went to a cabin, swam in a lake, rode 4-wheelers, played cabin games ( you know those games that aren’t fun enough that you’ll want to play them at home but are fun enough that you’ll want to play them with extended family since there is no television. Games like “Head of the Class” or “Therapy”…), and generally leisured around.
But we had an incident. On our way back from getting ice-cream, “Anne” was driving. We were laughing and having an all around good time, when without warning a poor tiny chipmunk darted in to the road. He darted right. He stopped. We swerved to left to try to avoid running him over. He darted left. I saw his little eyes. He looked as if he were saying “Annabel, my chipmunk wife, I will always love you. Let the kids know I did all I could and love them too.” And then…THUMP. THUMP. All of the girls in the car screamed. “Anne” and I were hysterical. And that was the end of the life of Charlie Chipmunk.

Charlie Chipmunk

April 2008 – July 2010

On July 17, 2010 Charlie was searching for food to bring back to his wife Annabel who is expecting another litter this month, when he crossed the black hard river. After just passing the yellow islands, a silver beast came along and ended his life in a tragic accident.

Charlie lived a simple life. He was born to parents Angus and Roberta Chipmunk in April of 2008 the oldest of a litter of 6 chipmunks. Like most baby chipmunks he started his life the size of a bumblebee and hairless, but quickly he grew and got his stripes within 7 days, earlier than his siblings whose stripes did not appear until the eighth day. During his growth to adulthood Roberta often remarked how kind and intelligent young Charlie was. Once it came time for Charlie to make it on his own, he thrived. He spent his days eating snails, slugs, larvae of insects, worms, frogs, mice, small birds, acorns, berries, fruits, seeds and, his favorite, nuts. He stored food well and was always done with his storage long before the winter months came. Once his own storage was done he was always willing to aid the other chipmunks in their gathering. He met his wife, Annabel, in the fall of 2008, after they both had just been weaned. They were both picking berries from the same plant when they fell in love. Charlie spent the rest of that gathering season helping Annabel with her storage. In the spring of 2009 they welcomed their first litter of 3 baby chipmunks (Clarence, Charlie Jr, and Julia) into their family. Later that year in August they welcomed 5 more into their den (Natalia, Gretchen, Beth, Thomas, and Harold). It was a happy time for the Chipmunks. Later that fall tragedy struck while Charlie and young Beth were searching for some snails. As they searched a hawk came and took baby Beth away. Charlie did all he could to find his baby girl but the hawk left him injured. He was missing for 3 days. When Charlie finally did arrive home, Annabel was devastated with the loss of their child but was grateful Charlie came through alright. In the spring of 2010 they welcomed a litter of only 2 babies both of whom were stillborn. Charlie spent the remainder of his days gathering and providing for his den.

Charlie is survived by his wife Annabel, 7 children, and 43 grandchipmunks.

He is preceded in death by his parents, Angus and Roberta, and baby daughter Beth.

In lieu of slugs, the family asks that you send huckleberries to Charlie’s favorite organization “The Tree For Cripple Chipmunk Children.”