A Hanukkah Miracle

On Monday I was driving to work (late) when I realized that I have been driving on empty for about a week. I had intended to go gas up before work, but forgot and woke up late and that put the whole plan out of whack. I was certain that my 12 gallon tank was empty and wouldn't make it to work. 

So I said a little prayer asking that the fumes or spirit or whatever it be get me to work so I can be on time. And somehow, I got to work on time. And just like it had for the Maccabees, the oil lasted for 8 days. Or well 8 days of driving on empty total. When I filled up my tank that night after work, I put in 12.03 gallons.

My new goal is to fill up more regularly and not be in the position where I need a miracle.

Small Victories

Disclaimer: This could be TMI.

I have been really struggling with something for the past couple of weeks. I have just not been able to escape it no matter what I do. And it's really painful. It is a Satan Zit. Right on the tippy-tip of my nose I have had the most painful blemish of my life. The blemish is one of those lurks under the skin, never comes to the surface, feels like you're being stabbed with a knife zits. 

Actual Photo

So I've been walking around looking like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or a stereotypical clown. And I've been doing everything I can to get rid of this monstrosity. Using every product in my house. Exfoliating my skin down to the layer just above the dermis. I've been walking around my house with product and bandaids on my nose which has made me look like I have had a nose job. Long story short (too late), I've done everything in my power to no avail. The thing would not die.

Then today, miracle of miracles, the demon spirit was exorcised. It's gone. I can touch my nose without feeling the impulse to weep. It's the greatest thing that has happened to my nose in a long time. And I'm so grateful.

Now all I have to do is figure out how to regrow the skin on my nose, and life will be perfect.

Somedays...

Somedays you're an adult. Somedays you're a kid again. Then on very rare occasions, you're the sucker who picks up their banana and sloughs off the white sticker residue to discover that it's a spider baby factory. Surpise! And "hello mother" cry the million baby spiders in unison as they scatter with alarming speed.

I dare you to eat banana now. I double-dog dare you.

Vindicated

There are very few things in life that make you do this:

But yesterday something so wonderful happened that it restored my faith in humanity,  the order of the universe, and made me do my best Judd Nelson impression.

Yesterday, as I parked in the far off place, I noticed a GIANT White Tahoe taking up TWO compact car spots on a crookedy angle on the first floor. In so doing the GWT was not only parking in MY spot (Note: parking spots are not truly assigned...but I park there nearly ninety percent of the time) but was also preventing an entirely different person from parking in their spot as well. Aside from the injustice of stealing the parking spaces of two hard working people, the driver was also clearly not driving a compact car.

This pissed me off. As I was walking I thought, "If I had some freaking paper I would write this guy a strongly worded letter telling him how vehemently I disapprove of this inconsiderate and self-absorbed behavior."
So here is the letter I drafted in my head while walking the 80 minutes to my job:

Dear Inconsiderate Jerk,
I'm sure you're aware you have parked in the COMPACT parking area. I am sure you are also aware that you are taking up two spaces. Unless you are disabled there is really no excuse for this behavior and demonstration in laziness. If I were a lesser person I would let the air out of your tires. Undoubtedly this is something a horrible person like you would do, but I am not a horrible person so this letter will have to suffice. I sincerely hope that in the future you will park like a responsible human being and like less of a douchebag. I further hope that you hit a pot hole on your way home.
Sincerely,
Everyone Who Has Walked By

Of course, I'd never really be rude enough to write that and stick it on someone's windshield. But it got all my anger out and I was able to move on with my day. 

When I walked to my car that night I had completely forgotten how incensed the GWT had made me. So when I entered the parking structure and saw it again...it was a cruel reminder of how awful some people are. But then the best thing ever happened that caused me to thrust my fist in the air...

That's right you a-hole! TICKET TIME FOR YOU!!!

And that is how I know that the world is a good and just place.

Surly

It has come to my attention that I am a “bench” a lot of the time. This is not always the case. But pretty much most of the time lately. And well I think it’s mostly and internal benching because I mostly just get annoyed in my heart and keep a lot of it in my brain. But I fear that may be making postal. So here are some of the things that I want to say:

This is my brain.

“Please. PLEASE! Keep telling me about how much you loved bowling back in the 1940s.” “Monster’s Inc. is your favorite movie. I know. You tell me EVERY WEEK!” “Oh. Is that what you would do? Then why don’t you do it and stop asking me to!” “Your laugh makes me want to throw water in your face.” “GET OUT OF MY CUBICLE!” “Seriously? You’re going to just not text me back?” “No I don’t know what you are doing this weekend.” “Stop looking at me ice-cream. I will melt you.” “Really BBC America! Really!” “MY SANDWICH!?” “That’s it!” “If I had to pick a least favorite person. It would be you.” “You have Ned Pepper’s teeth from True Grit.” “I ain’t BOVVERED!” “Stop stealing all the triple words spaces!” “Stop telling people about your problem child. No one wants to hear about it!” “Fix your own problems. I am not your mother.” “No. I’m not going to do it.” “Right now? You want me to do that…right now?” “Just leave.” “Don’t worry. I’m only dying of pancreatic failure. Please…let me crawl around on the floor and plug in things for you. Please.” 

Sorry. I just had to get that off my chest.

Adventures In Donation

I gave blood today. It’s a nice thing to do. It’s service without a lot of work. I don’t mind needles. They give you snacks. So I like giving blood.

However, giving blood does not like me. It often times makes me light-headed and nauseus. One time resulting in retching. Another time resulting in the loss of consciousness. Mostly I’m just slightly off. Though one time I was completely out of it and had to be driven home from work by one of the girls. “Jill” informs me that on that day I sat down in the elevator and walked through the downtown streets barefoot when we went to her car. I do not have a recollection of this.

So today, I give blood. I eat breakfast. I have an apple 30 minutes before going. I don’t squeeze the stress ball so I don’t bleed out to fast. I am done in 5 minutes. Which is fast for normal people but normal for me.

I go to the cookie counter and sort through the various items. It’s a good spread today. Chips Ahoy, Short Bread, Oreos, Nutter Butters, Peanut Butter Ritz, Famous Amos, Chewy Granola Bars, Kudos, Fruit Snacks, Fruit By The Foots, Orange Juice, Apple Juice, Trail Mix…and then oh no, I’m feeling a little nauseaus.

Next thing I know I’m trying to decide which is the lesser of two evils: stay seated and throw up in the trash bin or stand up to try to make it to the bathroom before retching and run the risk of passing out. Thankfully “Jenn” and “Tyler” were there and got the phlebs to come help me.

They gave me a spew bag, two ice packs and had me lay down. I felt much better. Then I’d sit up. Then I’d feel sick and have to go back to the floor. Feel good. Sit up. Feel sick. Lay down. Feel good. Sit up. Feel sick. Lay down. Feel good. Sit up. Feel sick. Lay down. Throughout the whole process all I could really think is “Fruit by the foots? Fruit by the feet? Fruits by the foot? Fruit by the yard?” After about an hour of this, I feel well enough that we return to the office and I’m okay still.

But for the life of me, I cannot decide what is the correct way to say I will be having more than one Fruit By the Foot.

No Caption Necessary

My Most Romantic Moment

I stood there in a swarm of busy singles. All searching and laughing a little too loud. Trying to be seen and trying to see without appearing to try.

"Yeah, we should do something"s and "Give me a call"s flitting around like butterflies. Landing here. Landing there. Flying away as though it was never there to begin with. The unspecial somethings that will be stressed over and analyzed later. Every nuance, every gesture under intense scrutiny.

I begin to leave. I am done being in the buzz. Then 10 feet from the door, I see him walk in. I've seen him before. Many times. He's older than me. He knows me. I am the little girl. One of his sister's little friends. He is Adonis. I keep walking to the door. I smile. He continues his course. I smile.

He smiles. Touches my shoulder and says, "Hey."

In reply I say, "Gab har be do."

He keeps walking. I am a puddle of shame by the door.

Vacate the Premises

My faithful readers will have noticed that I missed blogging all last week. This is because I was on vacation. In California. Let’s go through the highlights of the trip.

1. Flat tire. We were an hour into the trip when suddenly: POT HOLE. So two hours later, I’m a day park-hopping at Disneyland poorer and we are back on the road with 3 trusty tires and 1 new tire.
2. 6 to 7 hours of bumper to bumper traffic.
3. The island we were on flooded.
4. The power got knocked out.
5. It rained nearly the whole time.
6. 11 boys, 5 girls, one bathroom. 
7. The creepy old black and white photo of a little girl outside of my room.
8. I forgot my towel.
9. Sunburned forehead which led to a leprous forehead.
10. There was sand everywhere in the house.
11. I paid to NOT eat crab cakes.
12. Failing massively at boogey boarding.
13. Tar on the beach.
14. My car was kidnapped for several hours.
15. Then I was kidnapped in my car for half an hour.
16. The boy I have a little crushlette on called me “buddy” which is the worst!
17. The whale we paid to see fell asleep.
18. My bangs were driving me INSANE!
19. When I went for my mani-pedi the little mani-pedi ladies kept tricking me into getting more and more expensive upgrades.
20. My team lost in the NCAA tournament.
21. Bottom bunk in California where an earthquake is imminent, which could lead to being smooshed.
22. Pooped on by a bird. (To be fair “Lindsey” got most of the poop…but I still got a little on me too.)
23. Parking ticket.
24. Speeding ticket…an hour away from home.

That’s not to say the trip was all bad. Mostly it was fun. A lot of fun. And I made a bundle of new "buddies." But due to the unexpected expense of the tire and tickets the trip ended up costing me about 3 times more than I thought it would.

However, I did get some shampoo and conditioner that made your head feel minty fresh AND I was introduced to the fun-time that is playing Set. Also there was an olde-timey candy store that supplied me with enough Giant Pixie Stix to keep me happy for a long while yet.

Will Smith

The other day I was socializing with a couple friends of mine. When suddenly "Lisa" sneezed. And she said something after sneezing. I was sure I had misheard her so I asked "What did you say?"
She said "I sneezed."
"Yes, I know that. What did you say after?"
"Umm excuse me?"
"Okay. I could have sworn you said Will Smith."
"I heard it too!" interjects "Anne."
"Oh good so it wasn't just me who heard it," I say.
So now when we sneeze it's not "Bless you" nor "Bless myself" nor "Salud" nor "Gesundheit"...it's "Will Smith." Join us. It's gonna be a thing.

Because I'm so efficient. Johnny on the spot and all...

So a while back I was crushing on this guy. We’d been building a rapport. Perhaps, too much of a rapport. He started calling me pal. And buddy. Etc. I felt very much like Millie Dillmount in Thoroughly Modern Millie when Trevor Graydon calls her “John” and she tries to make it not be a bad thing. Word to the wise: it can never NOT be a bad thing. 

So I strive to get past the whole “pal” thing. I am told by someone, ”Maybe he is just one of those people who says pal all the time.” Well, regardless if that is true or not I was speaking with this young man the other day when he says to me “something something something my girlfriend something something.” WHAT?! Are you kidding me! Here we have been building this rapport for months and months, and suddenly he has a GIRLFRIEND? What is with boys doing stuff like this. (Not getting girlfriends…because I get that. I mean sure I’m mad that the girlfriend they get isn’t me…but whatever.) 

In what planet is it a good idea to not disclose that type of information early on in the game when it is pretty clear (I am not a subtle creature) that the girl in the scenario is not only in it for the banter. I mean really. Disclosure. It would have nipped the crush in the bud and friendship would have ensued. Instead all this time spent primping and all my witticisms were for naught. Because he has a girlfriend. Crush crushed. 

Oh well, at least we’re pals…

The End In the Beginning

Why hello dear readers. As the more avid amongst you will undoubtedly have noticed, there is no longer a day counter on the right-hand column of my blog. Oh no dear readers there is not. That counter has counted it's last day, ending on day eight thousand two hundred eighty two. 8282. That is the day that I finally had my first kiss.

It is Valentine's Day. I am thoroughly un-boyfriended and beyond cute. The oh-so koo-l Koo Koo Kangaroo were having a performance. I love them. So I rounded up the troops and we set off for what ended up being a pretty incredible night.

The venue where they were performing was, shall we say, cozy. There was a fire-pit outside and people were gathered around. At all their performances Koo Koo Kangaroo has the supplies to make friendship bracelets laid out so their fans and their soon-to-be-fans can craft and socialize. So while waiting for the performances to start we were all mostly gathered around the fire crafting. It was just like girls camp...but with boys.

The performances began and the warm-up bands played. They were all rather fun. Between the second and third sets I got a chance to talk to Bryan and have him sign my t-shirt. I had made a t-shirt with Bryan and Neil heart-guys.

The heart-guys. Neil is left Bryan is right.

The third band started and they were awesome. The boy in the band looked like Joe Jonas. It was pretty cool. Then it was time for Koo Koo Kangaroo to take the stage.

Koo Koo Kangaroo took the stage in all their glory and awesomeness. We picked up our feet and stomped it, stomped it. We a-o-a-ed. We were pirates and ninjas. We shook our feet. We thought colors were awesome. And I'll just stop right there happily because the best sounding letters are LMNOP.

So the show got over. It was over too soon as far as I was concerned. Koo Koo Kangaroo is so much fun. So my friends and I were milling around by the fire-pit just talking. I think it was my friend "Lisa" that suggested I should see if Bryan would kiss me, as this would make an excellent first kiss story. Plus Bryan is awesome. So after lots of internal and external talking myself into having the courage to ask (and copious amounts of lip-balm), I stand in line to talk with Bryan.

"Hey Bryan. I have a question and it's totally cool if you say no. But I have never kissed anyone before, and I was wondering if you would give me my first kiss..." I ask feeling like a total tool.

"For reals? Even with my chipped tooth?" he questions in reply.

"Yeah. But it's cool if you say no."

And then I'm not sure what happened next. Maybe he said something. Maybe I dithered on some more. Who knows. Because the next thing I remember happening is Bryan kissing me. Not a chaste and swift peck. A rather long (it seemed) kiss. And then a little bit of tongue. I was in shock to begin with with.Oh my goodness. He's kissing me. I'm being kissed. What's going on? I know I'm supposed to do something. Like move my lips. Or kiss back. I can't do that. I don't know how. I totally should have practiced on the back of my hand as a child. I did say I'd never kissed someone before. He can't expect me to be like a professional at this. Oh my goodness. There is tongue. Aaaah! I wasn't prepared for that. Aaaaah! So I pull away. I don't know what happens next. Lots of talking with my friends. 

Bryan says "Oh I didn't even dip you."

So next thing I know, I am having my second ever kiss. The exact same panic floods through my mind.  I'm doing this wrong. I'm making a fool of myself. Amber...why aren't you even trying to kiss back. Oh you're a fool. This is so new to me. I'm glad to know that I was right about enjoying kissing. I always was sure I would. I'm sure I'd have more fun if everyone wasn't watching...and if I was participating. Why are you just being a dead fish, Amber? He brings me back up. I think I giggle and say thank you. He says something about next time we'll need to work up to tongues. I am still slightly in shock. I think I said something in reply. But have no idea what. It didn't really hit me until we got to the car. Then I fully understood.

I am no longer VL. I have kissed a guy. (Well mostly he kissed me, but it counts.) My first kiss was with one of the coolest guys ever who is in a band that I love, on Valentine's Day, after going to one of the best shows ever.

I defy anyone else to have a better first kiss story.

P.S. How was the kiss? Not that I have a lot of experience, and not that I was able to process a whole lot during my panic stricken moments, BUT it was very nice. I wish I had participated more, rather than being passively kissed. Oh well. He definitely wasn't lacking in enthusiasm. *blush

The blurry, not so good picture that "Mike" took of my first kiss. *blush again.

Because This Makes Me Happy

This is one of my favorite things. How favorite? you ask So favorite that my friend "Rachel" and I learned this bit just for fun and performed it for my parents a couple of years ago. Just like little kids who put on performances of Cinderella. So without further ado, I present this video...

Hey BUSt a Move

So the other day I had to walk to the local kinkos to make copies. It was a very very very bad day. I was super stressed because I didn't feel like my project (the need for the copies mentioned above) was going very well and I was running right up to my deadline. I had worked on it the night before and I had slept very little. (Which isn't too weird for me since I am almost a vampire.) But since I went to bed late, I overslept a little and thus missed my opportunity to shower. So...I looked terrible. I was wearing these awful jeans (my only clean pair) that make my butt look hugenormous because the pockets puff up all funny right on the bum. And also make my legs look impossibly short (even shorter than normal) because they used to be way too long so we tried to hem them but we went a little too far and now they are floody. And I was wearing let's just call it...my ugly shirt. Not a good look.

So I make my copies and start walking back to work. I am thinking to myself "I hate this day so much! Why isn't it tomorrow already!" when the orange hand turns to the white walking dude and I cross the street.

As I am crossing the street there is a bus stopped at the red light. In the bus is a pretty attractive 20-something bus driver. And he mouths to me through his closed window "How are you?" And I just sort of smile and keep walking to the other side of the street. I have to cross the other way so I'm waiting for the light to change.

As I am waiting, I look over out of the corner of my eye at the bus. Mr. Hottipants Bus Driver is just staring at me. It kind of freaked me out. Not that he was like leering but that he was gawking at me on my ugly day. So I moved so some other person waiting to cross the street was blocking me from the bus driver's view. And then the bus driver inched the bus forward til he could see me again! It was utterly bizarre. Then the light changed and I walked across the street and he turned left away from me. But it was so weird! I mean really...it was an ugly day. Maybe I'm cuter than I had originally thought

Thank You George McGill and Henry R. Heyl

I have a new man in my life. Well…he’s not so much “new” as he has taken on a new importance in my life. We’ve been spending pretty much the whole day together all week. And we just can’t seem to get enough of each other. Who is he you ask? Well, he is Ivan. My stapler. He’s a swingline. Very cool. A rich blue. And sure he is a terrible stapler because every fourth staple requires the use of both hands and arms and sometimes standing up and a full body force to complete the staple…but nobody (and no office supply for that matter) is perfect.

A photo of Ivan on his trip to Zions National Park

Now this relationship...this bond is especially remarkable when you consider that staplers and I have not always been on the best of terms. Those of you who know me are familiar with the story of the young man with whom I was infatuated, who found out that I had formed a tendre for him and mockingly stapled himself in the head because it was such a horrifying concept. Since that time, staplers became a symbol of me just being repulsive. Then I got over it and moved on and staplers were a mildly amusing reminder of how dramatic I had been in my childhood.  So now spending all day with a stapler started out being a little awkward. But we're cool now. And Ivan and I just like spending hours together. Hours and hours.

All week I have been scanning and stapling. Scanning and stapling. Scanning and stapling. Scanning and stapling. And stapling. And stapling. And stapling. My arms are sore. FROM STAPLING. The top portion of my abs is sore. FROM STAPLING. How exactly ineffective is my stapler if it is requiring enough effort that my abs are being not only used but worked out? So yeah. Ivan is my new personal trainer and hopefully by the time I’ve scanned and stapled and stapled and stapled all the documents that I’m supposed to I will wind up having Sarah Connor from Terminator 2 arms.

A Lesson In Ethics

To fully be able to appreciate this lesson you will need to first know…

The Story of Amber and “Friend”

Amber first met “friend” during biology in Amber’s sophomore year of high school. “Friend” was in her group for many labs and so he and Amber and became school friends. They didn’t really run in the same crowd, but occasionally there was some group overlap in extended friend circles so random outside of class associations happened. The rest of high school continued in this manner.

Following graduation from high school Amber and “friend” began to spend more and more time with each other. Eventually Amber and “friend” became best friends. And Amber began to develop a tendre for “friend.” And things stayed exactly like that for quite a few months, with Amber longing for something more from “friend” and “friend” being oblivious to Amber’s affections.

Then “friend” moved out of the country for two years. And throughout the two years Amber’s tendre did not fade. Amber sent “friend” packages with letters, cassettes, candies, random fun items, and little secret pieces of her heart. “Friend” occasionally sent Amber letters with anecdotes about other girls.

Then “friend” moved back. Amber and “friend” were reunited at last. And Amber found that during those two years things had changed and the tendre was gone but the camaraderie still remained. Life was good. Amber began to joke about “back in the day when I used to have a crush on you” and “friend” was completely astounded.

So life carried on. Amber’s grandmother passed away. Amber was upset and “friend” invited Amber to dinner the following day. Amber was touched. Another friend wanted to come to dinner as well. Amber asked “friend” if that would be alright. “Friend” replied that since he was paying he thought it would kind of be a date. Amber was completely thrown through a loop because that was strange. They did not date. Amber said she was confused and “friend” said that he decided he needed to make his dates be more meaningful and that he was getting more serious about life and that is wasn’t that he needed to get married now but that someday he would like to. Amber pretty much had a heart-attack and said she was even more confused. Amber and “friend” talked some more and then agreed that they would have this date and they would discuss things more on the date.

The date consisted of dinner. Amber and “friend” went to a cute little bakery that Amber had been wanting to go to for quite a while. Amber ordered a panini. If Amber recalls correctly, she ended up paying for herself. “Friend” got a panini as well. They ate. And discussed everything but what they had come to discuss. The food was gone. The plates were empty. Amber was dying inside. “Friend” asked if they were going to talk about what they had come to discuss.  Amber said that he brought it up so he could start. What Amber heard was basically that“friend” didn’t know that Amber had had feelings for him and that  if Amber would have feelings for him then “friend” would deign to attempt to have romantic feelings for Amber. Amber was (for lack of a better word) pissed, but she hid it well. She said that she was good not having feelings for him and that they should just stick to being friends. “Friend” agreed. They left dinner and went about their various activities. Amber left her activity early and went home and cried, much to the distress of Amber’s friend who had come over to commiserate with her.

The next day Amber went about the business of burying her grandmother. Under the influence of grief and the grief-influenced influences of her family (who had nothing more interesting to talk about than what was going on with Amber and “friend” since they were at a funeral all day), Amber sent “friend” a text message that said his bringing all that up had brought her old feelings to the surface and she was confused and maybe she liked him as more than a friend and maybe they should see if they could be something more. The second after she hit the send key, she instantly regretted that decision and wanted to die.

The following day, Amber had still not received a response from “friend.” Amber’s brother-in-law said that Amber had ruined her friendship with “friend.” Amber cried.

Later that evening, Amber was spending time with her friends and they all wondered where “friend” was. So Amber sent “friend” a message asking him if he was just going to ignore her for the rest of his life or if he was going to come over and be her friend? He replied that he would be coming over to be with their friends if he could bring a couple of people over with him. He came. With friends. One of whom, Amber fell head over heels for one of the boys “friend” brought. And that sealed up the problem of the Amber-“friend” more than friends issue quite nicely.

From that day forward Amber and “friend” have (for the most part) gotten along with perfect ease and friendship.

Until yesterday.

When inviting guests to an event with limited number of available places it is important to make sure all invitees are aware of the limited nature of the event. Events where tickets are necessary are typically the most common of these limited events. However, there are the occasional “plus one” type events where this rule applies.

There are two ways to issue the invitation for these events: general invitation or specific invitation with filtration.

General Invitation

Let us suppose that you have 4 tickets to an event. You want to go and you don’t care who comes with you as long as you know them. So you send out a text message (or something like that) to all the people you think you could have a reasonably fun time with inviting them to go. You say something like “Hey guys. I have 3 extra tickets to this event. Who wants to come?” You receive replies back. The first three people to respond in the affirmative should be the 3 people who get to go.

The general invitation may also go through a filtration process. Suppose you have three core groups of friends. You may sense that Group A would be the most interested and most fun so the message would be sent to Group A first. Then once Group A has responded, if the tickets aren’t used, you would then send out a second message to the secondary group, and so on and so forth. Still the first three people to respond would be those who get to go.

Specific Invitation

Let us suppose that you have 4 tickets to an event. You would invite three individual people that you want most to go with you to the event. They reply. If all three say yes then you are in luck and the asking is over. If one or more of them say they cannot go, then you must move on down in your list of preference and invite the next person. But the invitation is never extended to more people than there are open tickets for. This way no one is invited needlessly.

Yesterday, “friend” sent Amber a text message that said he had tickets to an event the following night and wanted to know who wanted to go. Amber immediately replied that she would like to go. “Friend” told Amber that she was the first to reply and that he would get her more details. Amber was (for lack of a better word) stoked. Then “friend” gets back to Amber and tells her that several people have replied and that he only has one extra ticket so now he has to choose who to take. This makes Amber very unhappy indeed. Later, “friend” tells Amber that he has now eliminated all the boys since he has decided that the event will be a date. He asks Amber (and presumably the other girls to whom this mass text was sent) to tell him how much she wants to go and why he should pick her. Amber replies that he should take her because he owes her a date. (She is referencing the dead grandmother date where she believes she ended up paying for herself.) “Friend” doesn’t seem to get the reference. Nor does “friend” seem to remember that Amber invited “friend” to an event very similar to the event in question roughly a week ago. No “friend” does not.

“Friend” breaks the ethical code and does not take the first person that replies to his invitation. No. “Friend” decided to take the girl who offered to take him out to dinner. “Friend” is a doufus.

 So the lesson is this, kids:

“Friend” is a doufus.

And you should take the first responder. Since you are the person who invited them in the first place. Also, don't tick off Amber, because she is liable to get grumpy enough to blog about it.

P.S. Please don't be mad "friend"...

Going Bust

Ever since, well, puberty I have been what you would call rather chesty. It's a curse I got from my mother. The girls with the flat fronts always say they wish they were more endowed, but honestly it's just a huge pain in the back. Literally. Back pain. It's the worst. Stand for 30 minutes...back pain. Walk for 30 minutes...back pain. Sleep for 30 minutes...back pain. Sit in the same position for 30 minutes...back pain. Any way the point of this was not to complain. No. "What IS the point?" you ask. Well today I was playing with niece 2 and she has decided to call me "Amboob." That's right. AMBOOB. It is the funniest thing ever! She's only 15 months old!

PS If you ever call me "Amboob," I will break you.

Don't Let the Bed Bugs Bite

So...I was just getting ready for bed just now. The lights are all off, I'm already in my bed, and I'm tending to the last of my sleep time rituals. I was casually looking at my phone, reading stuff, setting my alarm, etc. When suddenly, a kamikaze demon insect comes flying right at my head. All I hear is the BZZZZZ of little creepy wings flapping like those of a hell-bat. Naturally, I flip out ("Goooeeeeaaaaguuuuuaeeaaa") and jump quickly out of my bed to turn on the lights and find the intruder and kill it. When I turn on the lights, what do I find? A dead bug. A brown fly. A dead brown fly that decided to spend its last moments on Earth freaking me out by buzzing my ear. What the heck, Fly? What the heck? I can only see two possible explanations. Either a.) this fly was a terrible practical joker or b.) my flip out noise was so terrifying and horrendous that it gave the fly a heart attack. You decide.

Ebb and Flow

Time. It's a funny thing. When something SUCKS it seems like the time takes forever. And when something is awesome...usually it's over in the blink of an eye. This day has lasted 105 years. I am now 127 years old. I think I look pretty good for my age, if I do say so myself. But in all seriousness, this long horrible day reminded me of a "Reading Section" of a Standardized Test I took once back in middle school. This was part of the story:

A minute seems like no time at all when you're eating ice cream, but can feel like an eternity if a cow is standing on your foot.

Honestly what ever person wrote that gem...deserves a prize. It has stuck with me all these years. And still gives me a little chuckle whenever I think of it. And I think of it often.